Naruto spoofing
by phantom130 5
Summary: You're traveling through another dimension - a dimension not only of Naruto characters and reading, but of craziness; a journey into a juvenile land whose boundaries are that of a FanFiction. That's a signpost up ahead. Your next stop: the Spoofing Zone! Cover by: BishouHunter on DeviantArt. Beta'ed by MissFaerieKaiti (Up to chapter 18)
1. Meet team Kakashi

**Chapter 1: Meet Team Kakashi**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto or anything else that I may reference during this story.**

You're traveling through another dimension - a dimension not only of Naruto characters and reading, but of craziness; a journey into a juvenile land whose boundaries are that of the imagination and FanFiction. That's a signpost up ahead. Your next stop: the Spoofing Zone!

Meet Naruto, Sasuke, and Sakura. The three ninja were waiting in the training field to meet their new teacher, the one in charge of helping them become fully-fledged ninja.

Sadly, this team was stuck with the only teacher in the world that didn't know what the word 'punctual' meant. (Seriously, he thinks it's a breed of cat.)

Earlier that day, the training field was filled with graduates with high hopes of becoming great ninja; but as the day carried on, the kids met their teachers and took off until there were only three left.

A boy with spiky blonde hair and large blue eyes angrily ranted on about how it was important for a ninja to be on time and how his teacher should be here already so he could be done with his training and have more time for ramen.

The boy was wearing an orange jumpsuit and shorts. On his head was a headband with a symbol that resembled a leaf. The boy's most notable feature was the fact that he had whiskers on his cheeks.

"Naruto, will you shut up already?" called an annoyed raven-haired boy who was lying on the ground near the blonde now known as Naruto.

He was wearing white sweatbands, a blue sweatshirt, and white shorts - and like Naruto, this boy also wore a shiny new forehead protector with a picture of a leaf on it.

"Shut up, Sasuke! What makes you think that you know anything? Believe it!" Naruto yelled to the raven-haired boy angrily, running up to him ready to fight.

The raven-haired boy, better known to the group as Sasuke, calmly stood up, ready to defend his honor. There was no way he was going to lose to Naruto - ever.

A pink haired girl, who was originally just watching as the fight went on, now suddenly looked alarmed. Hastily, she bolted out of her seat and tried to stand in the way of the two boys.

When the boys argued, the girl would just step back and let the two talk things out. They were only words, after all. But when the words became actions, the girl knew she had to step in their way before someone (mainly Sasuke) seriously got hurt.

"Naruto, no picking a fight with my boyfriend Sasuke!" The pink haired girl yelled beginning to tear up as she tightly wrapped her arms around her apparent boyfriend.

Completely baffled, Sasuke stood still for a moment, unsure how he went from fighting with Naruto to being glomped by a pink-haired girl who honestly believed he was her boyfriend.

"Sakura, let go of me..." the boy muttered under his breath as he released himself from the girl named Sakura's tight grip.

"No, Sasuke! I love you and I won't let Naruto be mean to you anymore!" she cried.

Naruto gave the girl a confused look. "What did I do? He's the one that started it! Believe it!"

"Sasuke's perfect! When will you understand that he can't do any wrong?" Sakura yelled pointing a finger accusingly at the blonde.

Naruto rolled his eyes. "Sure, you think that now, but wait until you read on to Shippuden. Believe it!" he muttered, crossing his arms.

"In Shippuden I kill people," Sasuke pointed out with a smile.

Suddenly, a puff of black smoke appeared and a man with spiky gray hair stepped out. This man wore a blue mask that covered his mouth and a forehead protector that covered his left eye. This left only his right eye visible.

He was dressed in black pants and a light green jacket. (This was the standard outfit for the teachers.) He also wore fingerless gloves with the symbol of the leaf on it.

"Hello, I'm Kakashi Hatake; I will be your teacher from now on," the man known as Kakashi said, giving a friendly smile from behind his mask.

"Cool, it's a mask! Are you a killer? Believe it!" Naruto shouted eagerly. Naruto had always wanted to meet a killer, and this man was dressed so mysteriously that he couldn't help but ask.

Before Kakashi could answer, Sasuke asked with an evil smirk, "Do you think my brother Itachi should die?"

Next to Sasuke, Sakura swooned and squealed, "Isn't Sasuke just so hot?"

Kakashi sighed at the stupidity of his new students. He'd only known them for three seconds, and already they'd all failed to impress him. If he thought it would change his opinion, he would try redoing his own introduction.

But he was smart enough to know that first impressions are something you can't get back. So he knew it was best to just answer the kids. Besides it was the only way to get them to leave him alone.

"Sorry, but my answer to all your questions is no - especially yours, Sakura. The only people that like Sasuke are annoying fangirls like you and Ino."

"And Orochimaru, for some reason! Believe it!" Naruto added with a wide smile. He took pleasure in the anger growing in Sasuke's expression.

"Hey!" Sasuke yelled back looking slightly offended.

"Relax," Kakashi said carelessly. "Don't soil yourselves. No offence, okay? It was all just part of a joke cleverly written into this story by FanFiction writer Phantom130 5. So nothing in this story should affect your thoughts of me in the actual Naruto universe."

That clearly wasn't the apology Sasuke wanted. "That's it, Kakashi; I'm going to kill you!" Sasuke shouted, running toward the masked man.

"Poor thing... He really thinks he can take me without any weapons or jutsu of his own," Kakashi muttered to himself as he held out his hand and began to study it.

Naruto and Sakura watched in awe as a blue light began to form around the man's arm. This power was noisy, too; it almost sounded like many birds angrily chirping all at once.

What was that blue light? Was he controlling lightning? Those thoughts ran through the two kids' heads as Sasuke continued to run toward his teacher.

Then in a matter of seconds Kakashi had somehow managed to stick his hand through the boy's body, causing the boy to instantly be electrocuted to his painful death.

The boy's eyes were still open and Kakashi shut them before placing the lifeless body on the floor for his team to survey. The shock on Naruto and Sakura's faces told Kakashi exactly what they were thinking.

"Did you just kill Sasuke?" Naruto yelled, freaking out, "Dude, that was my rival! Now my life's gonna be boring! Believe it!"

"Sasuke," Sakura wailed, freaking out even more. "My love, if you die, I shall die too!" she vowed. Sakura immediately hung herself on a conveniently-located noose.

"Don't worry, Naruto," Kakashi said, paying no heed to the fact that two thirds of his squad had just died. "I have the Death Note, so I can bring them back - but not until I feel like it."

Naruto snickered. "Bringing the dead back to life... I don't believe it - believe it!"

"What a shocker: Naruto doesn't believe," Kakashi muttered to himself. "No, fool, this isn't just any old power. This is the power of the _Death Note_!"

"You tell the boy, Kakashi!" Ryuk said, showing up out of nowhere and munching on an apple.

Ryuk was the guardian of the Death Note. Whoever owned the item at the time would be followed by Ryuk until he or she gave up ownership. Kakashi could see him, but no one else could.

"Death note?" Naruto muttered to himself, trying to picture what the item might be. The picture he had in his mind was of a music note going around killing people.

"Yep," Kakashi said cheerfully, "a 'Death Note'."

Then he reached into his pocket and pulled out a little black book with the words 'Death Note' on it. He held it open to a random page for Naruto to read.

_Minato Namikaze and Kushina Uzumaki; years ago; Nine-Tailed Fox attack_

_Sasuke Uchiha; earlier today; 'lightning blade'_

_Sakura Haruno; shortly after Sasuke's death; hung herself_

"Yeah you can put names of people you don't like, the time and cause of their death, and it'll happen just like that!" Kakashi explained proudly.

Naruto took the book from Kakashi and read over the page in his head. He beamed upon recognizing two names other than his recently deceased teammates.

"Hey, I see my parents' names! Believe it!" Then his smile quickly vanished as he understood the seriousness of the situation. "Wait, I get it... Dude, that's really messed up."

Kakashi studied the blond for a moment then without saying another word he snatched the book away from Naruto and erased Minato's name from it.

"Yup, but if I erase the name, he or she comes back to life," Kakashi explained, handing the book back to Naruto.

Naruto looked down wide eyed for a moment at the book in his hands. It was still open to the page where Minato's name had once been. Naruto seemed baffled as to what to say or do next.

"Do you think it worked? Believe it!" Naruto asked.

"What do you mean?" Kakashi asked.

"Do you think my father has been resurrected? Believe it!"

Kakashi shrugged. "Who knows?"

Meanwhile in the village's closest cemetery beside the Yondaime's grave stone, Minato started frantically knocking on the door of his casket from underground.

"Let me out!" he shouted. "I'm still alive! Believe it!" But his plea for help went unheard.

Back at the training field, Kakashi was still holding the Death Note. "So Naruto, now that you know about the Death Note, are there any questions?"

Naruto hopped up onto the training log. "Yeah, Kakashi-sensei, there's one! Believe it!" He pulled out a Pokéball, grinning impishly. "Can you fight with me in a Pokémon battle?"

Kakashi pulled out a Pokéball too, hands shaking slightly in shock. "N-Naruto, h-how did you know I was once a Pokémon trainer?" he cried.

"Silly Kakashi, there's a time in everyone's life when they become hooked to Pokémon!" Naruto chided with a superior air. "I'm still a recovering Pokéadic. Pokémon can be even more addicting then smoking or drugs!"

Kakashi slowly pushed his headband up, revealing a red eye that he called his Sharingan. "Well, Naruto, if what you say is true, then I must fight you."

They threw their Pokéballs in perfect sync with each other. The balls landed on the ground and quickly cracked open, releasing a powerful burst of red light.

"Go, Nine-Tailed Fox! Believe it!" Naruto yelled. When the red glow faded, a Pokémon known as Ninetails appeared beside him.

It looked a lot like a fox but it also appeared to have nine golden tails on its back rather than just one, thus giving it the nickname from Naruto as 'Nine-Tailed Fox.'

The Nine-Tailed Fox was a Pokémon passed on to Naruto from his mother, who was once known as one of the world's greatest Pokémon trainers.

"Go, One-Eyed Guy!" Kakashi called. The Pokémon Dusclops appeared across from the Ninetails.

Dusclops looked like a Cyclops made of dust. It had one giant red eye, feet, and two hands with very small arms. One other interesting feature was how Dusclops appeared to be almost covered completely in bandages.

The only part of the Pokémon's body that was fully revealed was its one large, red eye. This is why it received the nickname from Kakashi of 'One-Eyed Guy.'

"Nine-Tailed Fox, use Ember! Believe it!" Naruto shouted.

"One-Eyed Guy, use Curse!" Kakashi yelled.

One Eyed Guy tried to curse the Nine-Tailed Fox, but fire quickly shot from the Ninetales' mouth, hit, and burned the Dusclops.

The fire scorched it until the Dusclops was rendered unconscious. Ninetales had won the fight, which meant the infamous ninja and Pokémon trainer Kakashi Hatake had lost.

"Darn, I guess curse wasn't a good move," Kakashi sighed as he returned his Pokémon back into its Pokéball.

Naruto was dancing around celebrating. "I won, I won! Believe it!"

Then the boy's expression changed. He grabbed Kakashi by his shirt and yanked the unfortunate sensei down to his eye level and gave the man a greedy glare.

"I won, so pay up! In Pokémoney, now! Believe it!"

Kakashi sighed. He hadn't been expecting for Naruto to win so easily. The way he saw it, either Naruto was really good or Kakashi was getting too old for Pokémon and beginning to lose his touch. He hoped for the first option.

Naruto was still waiting. Kakashi reached into his pocket and... Of course he forgot his wallet again. Instead, he pulled out a coupon for Burger King. Kakashi wondered if Naruto would accept that as payment instead.

Kakashi forced a smile to his face as he dropped the coupon into Naruto's hand. Naruto looked at it, just as bewildered as he had been with the Death Note.

"What's this? Believe it!" Naruto asked.

"It's a coupon... one dollar off a... uh... magical meal." Kakashi explained, trying his best to oversell the food as much as possible so he didn't look cheap.

Naruto grinned. "You say it's magic? Believe it!"

Kakashi tried hard to hold back a laugh at how quickly the boy had taken to his lie. He snickered a bit but was quickly able to regain his composure in order to speak.

"Yeah, one bite and you'll never want another bowl of ramen again," Kakashi fibbed.

Naruto's eyes lit up as he cheerfully reached out to hug his teacher. Naruto loved the idea of magic. If this meal was really better than ramen, he'd be the luckiest man alive.

"Thank you, Kakashi-sensei! Believe it!" Naruto said, tearing up slightly at his teacher's apparent generosity.

"Anytime, Naruto. After all, you beat me in that battle fair and square so it's only fair that I pay back my debt." Kakashi explained, "But you need to hurry. If you don't get to Burger King soon the coupon will expire!"

Naruto nodded. "I won't disappoint you, Sensei! Believe it!"

Kakashi smirked. "Believe me, you haven't."

Naruto may be lucky when it comes to pulling off an easy win in battle, but at least he was easy to fool. No matter how Kakashi looked at it the upcoming weeks would be something to look forward to.

**-phantom130 5 (August 2010)**


	2. Meet Team Asuma

**Chapter 2: Meet Team Asuma**

Welcome back to the Naruto Spoofing. If you have made it this far, it means that I've drawn you in, haven't I? Last chapter you got to meet the infamous Team Kakashi. Today, I'm going to reintroduce you to a new classic ninja squad.

A tall, black-haired man named Asuma stood across from his squad, smoking his final cigarette. The rest of his pack was scattered on the ground, all smoked recently.

Shikamaru (another, younger-looking, black-haired boy) was fast asleep under a tree. Not a soul had seen him move from that spot in ages. One might think he was dead or seriously hurt. But nope, he was apparently just fine - fine and lazy.

Choji, a chubby kid with brown hair and spirals painted on his cheeks, was stuffing his face with a bag of chips. He accidentally dropped some crumbs on the ground.

Ants quickly attacked it, loving the free food. Choji picked the chip up, glanced around to make sure no one was looking, and then gobbled it down - ants and all. You could just barely hear the ants cry for help before they were swallowed.

Ino, a peppy blonde-haired girl, was on the ground with a book on her lap. She used it as a sort of desk for the sheet of paper on which she was writing out a note to her "beloved Sasuke."

_My love Sasuke,_

_I had that dream about you last night. We were together. You didn't bring up your brother. I'm almost ashamed to admit it, my darling Sasuke, but Itachi really is superior to you in every way._

_I still love you, though; and I want to be with you. Do you love me?_

_Well, I guess you're allowed to avoid me, as long as you NEVER end up with Sakura!_

_I'm the only one for you, baby:_

_~ Ino_

Ino put her pencil down and smiled dreamily at the note. It wasn't much, but she was utterly convinced this would show Sakura who Sasuke should be with.

"Ah, Sasuke melting my fudge sickle on a hot day!" Asuma shouted, killing Ino's and Choji's happy moments with Sasuke and food. Shikamaru still lay fast asleep. Not even an earthquake could wake the poor boy.

"What?" Ino asked, clearly caught off guard by her sensei's strange and abrupt comment.

"Sorry, guys. I was substitute swearing. We've got to keep this story suitable for kids nine and up, and I'm pretty limited in some of the vocabulary that I'm allowed to use, so I've got to be creative," Asuma explained.

"Well, that's certainly creative..." Ino muttered.

"Well, what's wrong, Sensei? Did you realize you forgot to pack food for training?" Choji added worriedly.

Asuma tried to fake a laugh and pretend he was happy, but he had a crazed look on his face. "No!"

"Did you find out that Sasuke loves Sakura over me?"

"No!" Asuma replied. "Guys, I'm out of smokes! I need more - stat!"

He grabbed Choji's shoulders and shook the boy. "Come on, fatty, don't you have any?"

Ino answered for him. "Asuma, you're the only smoker in this series. Personally, I think smoking is gross and a really bad habit, and so does Phantom130 5."

"Who?" Asuma asked, forgetting his crisis for a moment as he gave his female student a confused look.

"Never mind," she said, deciding it was best to just drop the subject. "But didn't we just get you a new pack today?"

"Yes, but only one pack!" Asuma complained, his face distorting to look like a mad man. "I need more! _More_, I tell you! Muahahaha!" he chortled, a maniacal gleam in his eyes.

'Boy, can smoking drive a person crazy...' Ino thought, and then asked, "Well, how much do you smoke a day?"

"On average I smoke about... twenty... packs..." Asuma answered casually.

Ino nearly choked on air, she was so shocked. "Asuma, don't you think that you may be a little, uhm... overly addicted?"

Asuma laughed and waved a dismissive hand. "No, not at all Ino, now go buy some - _**now**_!" Asuma said, adding the word 'now' so loudly that it had to be bolded and italicized.

"No, sorry Asuma, I've got to finish my letter to Sasuke," Ino said, looking more than a little dreamy. "I have to draw hearts on the page and then put it in an envelope and give it a kiss for good luck."

Asuma sighed. "Choji, can you help?"

"Is there food at the Ninja Cigarette Store?" Choji asked. He eyed his dwindling supply of snacks hungrily.

"No, just cigarettes... and ninja."

"Oh. Then no, thank you. I'd rather just stay here." Choji said before going back to munching on a bag of chips, content for now.

"Shika-" Asuma was going to ask for Shikamaru's help, but he remembered at the last moment that Shikamaru wouldn't help, since the boy was still asleep.

"Fine," Asuma yelled, exasperated. What kinds of students were they, anyways? "I don't need your help; I'll go by myself!"

Thankfully, his squad's training ground was amazingly close to the Ninja Cigarette Store. It was also conveniently Free Cigarette Day, too.

Asuma smiled maliciously. Since he was the only ninja that smoked, it should be easy as pie to get his cigarettes!

Or so he thought.

The Ninja Cigarette Store was a small, run-down place. Not many people even bothered to step foot into it because it seemed so shabby, almost like it would fall over just from someone leaning on it.

The place also didn't have a 'No Smoking' policy, so the smell wasn't very pleasing either.

However, Asuma didn't notice the difference. He walked in and pleasingly took in a lungful of the aroma.

"Ah, I missed this," he said contently to himself.

Kakashi stood behind the counter distributing cigarettes to anyone that came in. Although he hated the job, the Third Hokage (also known as the leader of the Village) told Kakashi he had to do it.

Asuma could see Kakashi's cigarettes were still in great supply. There was only one person left in line before him; surely Asuma would be able to smoke in no time.

The boy in front of Asuma in the line stepped up to the counter. "Hi, Kakashi-sensei, I'd like to take your whole stock of cigarettes. Believe it!"

Kakashi looked down at the boy with a puzzled expression. "Naruto, I didn't know you smoke. What are you planning?"

The blonde, also known as Naruto smiled. "Didn't you hear about the new running gag? Because of all the Sasuke haters, Sasuke's going to die every chapter! Believe it!"

A look of surprise filled Kakashi's face. "Oh, you don't say? So what's the plan for today?"

Naruto beamed and began his rant. "Well, I thought it was a good idea to stick with today's theme. So why don't we do a smoking-related death? We could pressure Sasuke into smoking and then he'll get addicted and before you know it, Sasuke will die! Believe it!"

Kakashi tapped his chin. "I like the concept, but don't you think that may take too long for one chapter? I mean it can take people years to die from smoking."

Naruto thought for a moment. "That's a good point... Do you have any better ideas? Believe it!"

"Why don't you convince him to smoke a lot all at once?" Kakashi suggested. "He can just keep smoking until he dies."

Naruto beamed at this thought. "Wow Kakashi-sensei, you're brilliant! Believe it!"

"I know I am," Kakashi replied.

Then he and the blonde worked to load all of Kakashi's stock of cigarettes onto a cart for Naruto. Asuma watched in horror while Naruto pushed the cart out to his friend Sasuke.

At last, it was Asuma's turn in line. He was a little worried that Naruto really did take all the smokes, but soon shook the feeling off, convincing himself that Kakashi still had a few packs stashed away for his 'best customer. '

"Hey, Kakashi," Asuma greeted stepping up to the counter. "Give me some smokes."

"I'm sorry, Asuma, but I just gave the last pack away to Naruto," Kakashi explained.

Asuma faked a laugh. "Oh, Kakashi, you're such a kidder! Now come on, man, where are they?"

"Where's what?"

"The smokes! Where are they?"

"Sorry, Asuma, I don't know what else to tell you. I really just gave them all away."

Asuma's expression suddenly changed from his casual appearance to a mix of extreme fear and anger. "How could you?" he yelled, grabbing Kakashi by the vest and shaking him.

"Asuma, relax." Kakashi commented between shakes.

"Don't tell me to relax! Do you know what it's like being forced to go this long without smoking? It hurts!"

Kakashi casually brushed himself free from Asuma's death grip. "Actually, I do know - I don't smoke."

Asuma pouted. "Well, I wish you could know just how much this is hurting me." Then he walked away without saying another word.

Meanwhile, somewhere else in the village, Ino was trying to gather up enough courage to talk to her love, Sasuke. She now sat with her crush at Ichiraku. Neither was aware of Naruto's devious plan.

"Thanks for treating me to ramen, Ino," Sasuke said casually.

Ino blushed. "Thanks, Sasuke. It means so much that you joined me."

"Wow, it matters to me that I joined you, too!" Sasuke stated with a smile.

"We have so much in common!" Ino said, her face growing even redder. Then she reached into her pocket and pulled out a folded-up letter from earlier. "Sasuke, I wrote this for you."

Sasuke took the letter and read it. Then he looked back up at the girl, his face contorted in confusion. "You think Itachi is superior to me in every way?"

Ino was about to reply when Naruto charged into the scene out of nowhere. His face was beaded with sweat as he forced his way between the couple.

"Man, Sasuke, I was looking for you all over! Believe it!" Naruto said.

Sasuke didn't seem pleased in the slightest to see the boy. "Naruto, what do you want?"

Naruto smiled impishly. "Come outside and I'll show you. Believe it!"

Without even looking back to Ino, Sasuke casually stood up and made his way out of the restaurant. He didn't even seem to notice that he left Ino's letter on the table.

Ino stayed where she was and waited for Sasuke to come back and pick up the letter - or at least invite her to join in whatever the two boys were doing. But Sasuke didn't, and Ino was left sitting by herself.

Crestfallen, Asuma Sarutobi sat by himself in front of the Ninja Cigarette Shop. It was getting late and he knew he should be getting back to his squad, but he really didn't feel like it yet.

A leaf blew in the wind and landed beside the man. Out of desperation, Asuma put it in his mouth.

It just wasn't the same...

"Don't give up, son," a voice from behind Asuma said, catching the black-haired man off guard.

Asuma turned his head just in time to see his father, the Third Hokage, crouch down beside him and place his hand lovingly on Asuma's shoulder.

"Dad, how did you know I was here?" Asuma asked in surprise.

The old man laughed. "I know all. Now, if those cigarettes really mean that much to you, you should go out and get them."

"Dad, are you encouraging me to smoke?" Asuma asked, seeming to be caught off guard once again by his father's antics.

The Hokage tapped his chin. "...Yeah, I guess I am, aren't I? Either way, son, don't give up. Try your best to complete your dream."

"...I'm not sure."

"It's not just for me, either. Think of the village, your friends, your family! It will be a crime for you not to! Do you know what I mean?"

Asuma smiled timidly. "You're kind of giving me mixed messages, but I think I understand."

The Hokage returned the smile and gently pushed Asuma up to his feet. "That's good. Now go get those cigarettes!"

Asuma seemed happy at first, but his confidence quickly faded. "How? You must have heard Kakashi: Naruto has them all."

The Hokage playfully slapped his son across the face. "Fool! Just go up to Naruto and ask for them back!"

"Come on just try. You won't be cool unless you do. Believe it!" Naruto said.

Naruto and Sasuke were outside together. Naruto was holding a pack of cigarettes up to the raven haired boy, trying (but failing) to get Sasuke to go along with his half-thought-out plan.

Sasuke shoved the pack back to Naruto. "If it's so cool, then why aren't you doing it now?"

"Ew, Sasuke, do you know what that does to your teeth? Believe it!"

"You're afraid, aren't you?" Sasuke teased.

"No, I'm not! Believe it!"

"Then why don't you try it?"

Naruto shook his head. "This isn't about me! Now smoke, or I'm telling your parents! Believe it!"

"My parents are dead!"

"Just do it! Believe it!"

Sasuke sighed and opened up the pack of cigarettes. Then he took one out of the box and drew it to his lips really slowly in order to increase suspense, but before it could make contact Asuma came out of nowhere, charged at Sasuke, and killed him.

Asuma laughed demonically upon seeing Sasuke's body lying on the ground. "There, he's dead! Now give me those smokes!"

**- phantom130 5 (August 2010)**


	3. Meet team Kurenai

**Chapter 3: Meet Team Kurenai**

Once again, this story starts off at a training ground; but this time, it's Kurenai's training ground - which totally makes up for my lack of research on the different parts of the Leaf Village.

Kiba was stroking and hugging his favorite pet Akamaru in one area of the training ground. He loved animals. Even before joining the series, he had been a huge animal fanatic. Kiba loved every kind of animal and even chose to become a vegetarian because of his obsession. Shino stood under a tree, talking to a fly that he had named Clint.

"You're my best friend," he whispered lovingly.

Hinata was with Kurenai. The two of them were training by trying to break apart logs with their bare hands. Kurenai had convinced the love-sick girl that as long as she could build up enough strength, Naruto (the guy of her dreams) would finally notice her.

Kiba saw Shino talking to the bug, so he and Akamaru went to go see the two.

"Aww, that fly is so cute!" he said, grinning in admiration.

"I named him Clint," Shino said with a small smile behind his collar.

"WOOF!" Akamaru barked. He wagged his tail and gave a happy doggish grin.

This sudden noise was apparently too much for the bug; it flew away in a panic and landed on a surprised Hinata, who promptly fainted. Unfortunately, Clint surprised Kurenai as well, whose first reaction was to whip out a gun and fire several shots, killing the small target. By chance, one of the shots misfired and hit Sasuke, who had just walked by. The boy died instantly.

"Clint!" Kiba and Shino cried at the same time. Tears gathered in Shino's eyes, though his glasses hid that fact from his teammates.

"Clint was my only friend!" Shino sobbed as he ran away from the horrible scene. Kiba stood next to Kurenai in shock.

Kurenai winced, feeling slightly guilty for the bug boy's loss. "Sorry, but how many times have I told you that the fly could have been a spy, sent to us from the evil Akatsuki? You never know who could be in the distance listening to our every word," she warned.

"Believe it!" shouted a faintly familiar voice in the background.

Kurenai swiftly pulled out a kunai and tossed it at the bush, hitting goodness-knows-who in the arm.

"See, this is what I mean: Akatsuki spies are everywhere!" Kurenai complained. "These days, you can't even use the washroom without running into one of them. Now, if you don't mind, I need to go foil Dr. Evil's plot of taking over the world, then I'll be with my love Asuma." And with that, she jumped into the sky and flew away, because she's just that talented.

"Don't forget to bring him lots of smokes! Asuma really likes them! Believe it!" The voice from behind the bush meekly called out, before groaning in pain. "Why'd she had to hit me so hard with the shuriken? Hey Kiba, it's stuck in my arm, can you come and help me pull it out?"

Kiba stood still for a moment, trying to wrap his head around the fact that he was having a conversation with a bush.

"...Uh, sure, sir ... or ma'am." He paused for a moment. "Do bushes even have genders?" Kiba asked, tapping his chin in deep thought. This was a serious matter. Who knew how many plants were called by the wrong gender due to some sort of careless mistake.

"No, Kiba, look inside the plant! Believe it!" the voice said.

Kiba shook his head. "Nu-uh! You heard what Kurenai said! You could be an Akatsuki spy!"

"A plant working for the Akatsuki... Seriously, Kiba, what's the likelihood of that happening? Now just come here and help me with this shuriken. It's lodged in my arm and I can't get it out! Believe it!"

Kiba nodded timidly and obeyed the supposed bush. However, when he pulled back the branches, he saw Naruto, and a giant smile appeared on the Inuzuka boy's face.

"Hey, Naruto, it's good to see you!" Kiba said cheerfully.

Naruto frowned. "Kiba can you just help me remove this thing already? Believe it!" The blond asked, referring to the shuriken.

As Kiba bent down to aid his friend, he chuckled to himself. "Funny thing is the bush was also saying that he had one of those things stuck in him! Talk about a coincidence, huh?"

"...Yeah, that's a _real _knee-slapper. Believe it!" Naruto replied with an eye roll.

As soon as the blond was taken care of and bandaged up, Naruto noticed that Kiba's expression seemed to change, almost as if he wanted to ask something, but was silently debating whether or not it was the right time to ask.

"Hey, uh, Naruto?" Kiba started shyly.

"What is it?" Naruto asked. "Believe it!"

"Well, I was wonderin' - if it isn't too much trouble - can I play with Jiraiya again today?"

This 'person' that Kiba called 'Jiraiya' was just an ordinary toad. However, the real Jiraiya had mysteriously vanished without anyone realizing it, so everyone assumed that toad was really Jiraiya training in sage mode.

Naruto let out a sigh and shook his head. "Pervy Sage is a very busy man. All day he does important ninja work that if you even tried to do yourself you'd want to quit because it's just that difficult! Believe it!"

"...He hops."

"Not just that! He eats flies too! Believe it!" Naruto said, making a disgusted face.

Kiba cringed and even teared up a little. "Poor flies."

Naruto nodded. "Speaking of which, wonder what happened to Shino. Believe it!"

Meanwhile, somewhere else in the village, Shino was holding a small, bug-sized funeral for his friend Clint. Kakashi, Chōji, and Shikamaru had kindly agreed to attend to help ease Shino's pain. (Chōji had to carry Shikamaru to get him to show up, since Shikamaru was still asleep.)

The four of them stood beside Clint's casket, but the respectful silence was broken only by Chōji's noisy chip-eating. As for Kakashi, he stood over the casket and was looking at it blankly, wondering why he ever agreed to this idea when he could be reading Icha-Icha Paradise. And, of course, Shikamaru was still sleeping.

"Clint was a good boy. He lived a very short life, but I loved him for every second of it," Shino mumbled, trying for Clint's sake to keep his tears in check. "I remember back as a kid, I'd love to read Clint bedtime stories. Rest in peace, Clint; we'll love you forever."

Shino went silent then, while beside him Chōji broke open another bag of chips to devour loudly.

"Okay, time for the burial," Shino said, grabbing a shovel. "Kakashi, can you help dig?"

Kakashi sighed. Although he still wondered what had led him to come to the funeral in the first place, he did feel a little bit of empathy toward the bug boy. He always seemed like the loner type, never had any human friends.

"Don't worry, buddy; I'll help you," Kakashi said.

"Shino, if you're really lonely, nothing makes as good a friend as a tuna fish sandwich. I know I've never argued with my tuna fish friend," Chōji added with a smile.

"I don't like anybody. Only like bugs," Shino mumbled.

"Don't be like that, Shino. You know, Ino's good with making friends; I'm sure she'll help," Kakashi told him.

"Yeah, Ino's like ice cream in that sense, because everyone loves ice cream." Chōji said cheerfully.

"I don't like ice cream," Shino replied dully. Chōji nearly choked on his chips, he was so shocked.

"Okay, fine; let me rephrase that. Everyone likes ice cream except for you, you... monster!" Chōji yelled.

Pretty soon, the Kakashi, Chōji, and Shino Team were gathered at Ino's house. They stood by the door for a long moment, unsure whether or not it was a good idea to knock.

"Chōji, why don't you go in and we'll wait for you in the car?" Kakashi suggested, gesturing toward a black 2010 Corvette, which the group had driven to Ino's house in.

"_No way_!" the Akimichi retorted. "Ino's a _girl_! I've never even talked to one before, much less been to one's house!"

"But you two are on the same ninja squad!" Kakashi pointed out.

"True, but that doesn't mean we talk to each other! Look, get Sasuke or Jiraiya here; they know more about girls than I do!" Chōji said.

Shino sighed. He knew nothing would get done if the group kept fighting like this; so without saying a word, he took the liberty of ringing the doorbell himself. When he did, Kakashi and Chōji gave him a look like he had just set off an explosive.

"WHAT DID YOU DO?" they yelled in unison.

"I rang the doorbell. I don't see what the big deal is," Shino confessed.

At that moment, Ino's father Inoichi walked out, looked at the three boys standing in his front yard, and without saying a word, went back into the house to get his daughter.

Once Ino showed up, the group went to her bedroom where they explained to her their predicament. Needless to say, Ino didn't look pleased. Shino would be a challenge. She looked him over and suddenly got a brilliant idea.

"I know what you need! Shino, I want to give you a makeover!" she announced, grinning. "You see, you're just so hideous. At times, I think most people are just afraid to talk to you. Let's start by taking off your glasses. You look like Ozzy Osbourne in them."

"Now, Ino, there's nothing wrong with dressing like Ozzy. In fact, I was thinking of going for that look someday," Kakashi lectured. "That or David Bowie."

Ino sighed. "Kakashi, you don't know a thing about fashion." Then she reached out for Shino's glasses, but the boy slapped her hand away.

"No! Don't touch! The sun - it burns my eyes without them!" he cried dramatically.

"Okay, Shino. Well, at least change out of your jacket!" Ino told him, eyeing it suspiciously.

"No! The air is cold!" Shino protested, sounding panicked.

Ino sighed again. "Shino, please try to cooperate. I have your best interests in mind."

After a couple more seconds of silence, Shino gave in, somewhat. He rolled one of his sleeves about half an inch up.

"Happy?" he asked bitterly.

Ino slapped her hand to her forehead. "Okay, let's try something else. Anyone have an idea?"

The big group now sat around a large, empty table in Ino's kitchen.

"Okay, consider this a social experiment," Kakashi said. "Ino, I want you to start talking to Shino as if it were just the two of you on a date together. The object of this experiment is to try to keep the conversation going for as long as you can without one of you losing interest or running out of something to say. Any questions?"

"Will there be food?" Chōji asked.

Kakashi shook his head. "No, this experiment simply revolves around them talking. While food wouldn't be a bad touch for making it more like an actual date, it could just as well be a distraction."

Chōji frowned. "Darn, then I skipped my fifth dinner for nothing."

Kakashi's eyes widened. He was tempted to ask Chōji how he could manage more than one dinner with the amount he ate, but dismissed it, deciding some secrets were better left unshared.

"Um, okay, let's get started," Kakashi said. "Shino, how about you start the topic off?"

"I like bugs," Shino said.

"Hmm, good conversation starter. Ino, what is your reply?" Kakashi asked.

"Um, I find bugs gross," Ino said back. "I prefer Sasuke much more."

"I find Sasuke gross," Shino replied casually. "He is not a bug."

"Yes, Sasuke isn't a bug. That's why I love him." Ino explained. Then, attempting to sound a lot wiser than she really was, she added, "It's good to keep an open mind and not hate anything unless you really hate something, just like I hate Phantom130 5 for disliking Sasuke."

"Phantom130 5 killed a bug once. I hate him, too," Shino added.

"Oh, good, looks like we have something in common after all! What else do you hate?"

"I don't like people who wear white after Labor Day," Shino said.

Ino smiled wide. "Oh my gosh, me neither! What else?"

"I hate it when men wear tube socks with shorts or sandals."

"Wow, Shino, you're like the awkward twin brother I never had!"

Kakashi gave Chōji a confused look. How had Shino gone from being completely unsociable to some sort of fashion genius? Then he caught a glimpse of Inoichi in the distance. He stood behind Ino, holding up giant cue-cards for Shino to read off of.

So that meant he was really the fashion genius, not Shino. It was a funny thought that any of the men in this room would know anything about clothing. Kakashi knew it was probably best for the experiment that he should try to say something, but just for fun he would let this carry on and see how long it took for Ino to notice.

**Phantom130 5 (August 2010)**


	4. Meet Team Guy

**Chapter 4: Meet Team Guy**

Lee, Neji, and Tenten were sitting on the logs in their training ground. (Yeah, yeah, I know this training ground setting is getting old. We just need to get through the introduction, so have a little patience.)

"Okay, students. I don't know any of you three kids yet, so I want you to tell me all about yourselves," Guy said, giving his students his trademark sparkly grin and thumbs-up.

"Guy-sensei, you know me!" Lee said, saluting him excitedly. "I am Rock Lee."

Guy frowned. "No, kid, I don't believe I do. I'd remember meeting someone as weird-looking as you."

"B-but, Guy-sensei, I look like you!"

Guy laughed. "Boy, you look nothing like me! You couldn't take my style even if it smacked you right across the face. You have not got nearly enough youth."

Tears filled Lee's eyes as he fled, rejected by his idol.

"Okay, next intro!" Guy shouted.

Tenten was about to speak when Neji interrupted. "This girl's name is Tenten. She has no personality."

"Um, nice, Neji... But I wanted Tenten to answer for herself," Guy said.

"Neji pretty much summed it up," Tenten replied. "It's because I'm rarely seen in the Naruto series; I don't even have a last name."

Guy stared at her for a moment. "Oh. Then why don't you tell me about yourself, Neji?"

"My name is Neji Hyuga. The creator of this fan fiction brought me into the series to point out facts when this series gets unrealistic," Neji said stoically.

"Sweet, this series needs someone like you!" Guy said cheerfully.

"Yes, this series is very unrealistic," Neji agreed. "But one thing that baffles even me is why you were so mean to Lee. Aren't you two best buddies or something?"

"Lee?" Guy pondered the name for a moment. "It sounds familiar, but..."

"_Rock Lee_," Neji said, emphasizing the name.

"Oh! Lee! Where is he?"

"You told him he doesn't have enough youth," Neji explained.

"Oh, you mean the boy from earlier! This is embarrassing. I'm really bad at remembering faces; and when he said that he was Rock Lee, I thought he was saying 'Brock Lee.' You know, like the vegetable!"

"Broccoli?" Tenten asked.

"Yeah, I hate vegetables of all sorts. They may be healthy, and health brings upon youth, but they still taste disgusting!" Guy said. "I've got to go find Rock Lee and apologize right away!"

Guy ran off, leaving Neji and Tenten by themselves.

"Looks like Guy's going on another adventure and leaving us behind," Tenten said, feeling sad. "I wish I could have crazy adventures like that, but I'm just so boring."

Neji nodded solemnly. "If you'd like, I could help. We'll find your personality together."

Tenten smiled. "Thanks, that would be great."

Meanwhile, Lee was walking by himself in the forest. "Stupid Guy-sensei. Why did he call me weird-looking?" he pouted.

Shino was lurking in the shadows nearby. He was still trying to get over Clint's death when he spotted Lee - and Shino's eyes widened in delight.

Lee had huge eyes and black hair. Shino had bad eyesight, so he took one look at Lee and asked, "Clint, is that you?"

"No, I'm Rock Lee - the handsome leaf of the Devil Village! I mean, handsome devil of the Leaf Village!" Lee said indignantly. "Who are you?"

"Silly Clint, you know who I am," Shino giggled (yes, giggled). "You're so funny, Clint!"

"My name is not Clint!" Lee insisted.

"Clint, just come here and give me a hug. You're such a kidder!"

Lee shook his head. "Look, I have no idea what you are talking about, but I am definitely not a bug!"

"Oh, Clint, stop teasing me," Shino said. He excitedly wrapped his arms around Lee and carried him off toward Kakashi's house to show everyone that Clint was still alive.

Tenten and Neji sat together in the park by the swings. Tenten listened intently as Neji held up a photo with a picture of Naruto on it.

"This is Naruto Uzumaki. He's the main character of this show; therefore, he has character. If he didn't, he wouldn't have been consistently ranked in the top four for every Naruto popularity poll," Neji explained.

"That makes sense. But wait, you say he's within the top four. Who could have beaten him? I mean, didn't you just say Naruto is the main character or something?" Tenten asked.

"Naruto has been beaten before by Kakashi, Sasuke, and randomly Deidara for the best character in poll number six. But in the most recent popularity poll he managed to regain his title," Neji explained.

"Then maybe I should act like a mix of all four characters. That way, I can score higher on the next popularity thing," Tenten said.

"A mix of Naruto, Kakashi, Sasuke, and Deidara? I'm not sure what that would be like," Neji said with a laugh.

"Make me ramen and make it explode! Art is a bang, you know. I want the explosion to be so large that it kills Itachi and for once in my life adds a smile to my face that always looks so tired. Believe it!" Tenten said.

Neji paused and stared at Tenten for a long moment before saying anything. "...I think you should go back to your old personality," he finally said.

At Kakashi's house, the masked man rested his head on the couch. He was joined by Chōji, Shikamaru, and Ino. The group (except sleeping Shikamaru) were watching Pokémon on TV.

"I'm glad Shino agreed to take that walk. I think it will be very therapeutic for him to have this alone time," Ino said.

Kakashi snickered. "Forget about therapy for Shino. Any time without him is relaxing to me. He was such a pain to care for."

Ino nodded. "Tell me about it! I mean, why ask for my help if he isn't even going to take my advice?"

Just then, Shino (with Lee in his arms) came running into the room.

"Good news, guys! I found Clint!" Shino cheered.

At first Kakashi was confused; but then when he noticed the black-haired boy in the Aburame's hands, Kakashi was able to put two and two together.

"Shino, that's not a bug! That's a boy!" Kakashi said.

"He does kind of look like a bug, though," Ino added.

"He looks more like a giant pickle to me!" Chōji said. "Whereas Clint looked sorta like a raison."

"I am not a bug or a pickle! I am Rock Lee!" Lee said.

"Lee?" Kakashi questioned. He recognized the name, but couldn't remember how. "Aren't you Guy's student?" he finally asked.

"I used to be," Lee confessed. "But Guy does not like me anymore."

"What? How is that possible? Aren't you and Guy like twins?" Kakashi asked.

"I do not know what happened. Just yesterday, Guy and I were climbing Mt. Everest backwards on our hands, and now today he is acting like we have never seen each other before," Lee explained.

"That's odd, even for Guy," Kakashi said.

"Maybe you gained a bunch of weight and now Guy doesn't want to see you because he thinks you've just given up on being youthful," Chōji pointed out.

Lee gasped. "I would never! The day that I gain even a single pound on my youthful body is the day that Shino educates us on fashion."

"Actually, something like that happened in the last chapter," Kakashi pointed out blandly.

"What?" Lee exclaimed. He looked toward the bug-boy who was still carrying Lee in his arms and Lee shook his head in disbelief. "How can he know a thing about fashion? I mean, look at him!"

"Oh Clint, I don't understand a word you're saying, but I think you're pretty swell," Shino replied.

"Shino is the king of bugs, fashion, and stupidity," Ino said with an eyeroll.

Lee sighed. "Maybe I did change, then. But if I, Rock Lee, am no longer youthful, what exactly am I?"

Chōji clapped his hands eagerly. "I know this one! You're a guy with freakishly large eyebrows in a green jumpsuit!"

"You're Shino's pet bug," Kakashi added.

"You're a non-profit parody of a fictional character created by Masashi Kishimoto," Ino said.

"I am a parody?" Lee asked in surprise, his face softening. "You know, there is such a thing as being a little too honest."

"We're all parodies, Lee." Ino said. "Even as we speak, our conversation is being read by over twenty subscribers."

"Wow. I never realized just how popular I am," Lee said.

Just then, someone began frantically knocking at the door.

"LEE, LEE, I KNOW YOU'RE IN THERE! THE POWER OF YOUTH COMPELS YOU TO OPEN THE DOOR NOW!" the person behind the door yelled.

"Who is it?" Chōji called.

"That must be Guy. I should probably get it," Lee said, breaking himself free from Shino's tight embrace.

Ino put her hand on Lee's shoulder. "Wait! You don't want him to think that you're desperate to see him again. Make Guy wait a bit before you open the door."

"But I _am_ desperate. I want to open the door for Guy-Sensei now!" Lee insisted.

Ino facepalmed. "You're just as hopeless as Shino!"

Lee ignored the blonde and opened the door anyway. As soon as Lee saw his beloved teacher, the two embraced in a long, tight hug.

"I'm sorry for ignoring you earlier, Lee. I want to be youthful with you again!" Guy said, tears flowing down his face.

"I am sorry too, Guy-sensei! I love you and I am sorry for whatever I did wrong!" Lee cried.

Shino glomped onto Lee's back. "And I love you, Clint!" Shino said, tears flowing down his cheeks as well.

This awkward friendly moment was interrupted by Kakashi, who had just looked down at his watch and noticed the time. (Yes, Kakashi has a watch; don't look so shocked.)

"Wow, it's almost midnight, and we haven't even killed Sasuke yet," Kakashi said.

Everyone else in the room gasped. If Sasuke didn't die before midnight, the running gag with Sasuke dying every chapter would be over and only last four chapters! There was no way that the Naruto cast would allow this to happen. So the large group (excluding Sleeping Shikamaru) charged over to Sasuke's house and killed him.

And they all lived happily ever after; the end.

**-phantom130 5 (August 2010)**


	5. Meet Team Sand

**Chapter 5: Meet Team Sand**

Gaara walked into the Sand Village (yup, we don't start at a training field anymore - now it's the Sand village) and was quickly greeted by his brother Kankurō. Kankurō was holding a sock puppet that he had named Socko. He considered himself the master of sock puppets and often talked through Socko.

Kankurō could see the frown on his brother's face, and though it wasn't very uncommon (Gaara _was_ Gaara, after all), Kankurō cocked Socko's head to the side and said, "Socko wants to know what's wrong, Gaara."

Gaara sighed. "Socko, Kankurō, why does everyone hate me? All I want is to make one friend. Then I'll be happy."

"Socko says it's because you're like the ugly duckling - you know, before he went psycho and found that gun and shot everyone that called him ugly," Kankurō answered practically.

"I thought the ugly duckling became a beautiful swan," Gaara said.

Kankurō laughed. "Socko says that's the version adults tell their kids. Seriously, how often do you see an ugly duckling turning into a swan? It's just not realistic."

"No, it's not!" Neji agreed, randomly appearing.

"Well, how often do you see an ugly duckling finding a gun and killing other ducks?" Gaara argued.

"Touché!" said Neji.

"Socko says shut up!" Kankurō growled.

Gaara walked away. He loved his brother to death (almost literally sometimes); but when it came to comfort, Kankurō wasn't good at it at all, and neither was Socko. He wanted to go see his older sister Temari, but she was too busy fanning herself.

She was always freaking out, saying it was too hot. One would think that since she lived in the hottest village of them all, she'd be use to it; but no, she still carried that giant fan with her. Even on cold days, she would insist on turning up the AC. So Gaara, scared and alone, made a decision. He was going to visit the Leaf Village in hopes of making his first friend. The Leaf Village didn't fear him; at least, Gaara hoped they wouldn't.

As soon as he entered the gates, he was spotted by a blond-haired boy, an emo boy, and an annoying pink-haired girl. (Oh, yeah, and Kakashi.) Today the team had been assigned to guard duty. It was their job to watch over the village and make sure no one tried to attack the Leaf.

"Hi, I'm Gaara." Gaara tried to shake hands with Naruto, but Naruto screamed.

"It's a ginger! Believe it!" Naruto shouted, freaking out. He ducked to hide behind Sasuke, who simply stood there calmly.

"Sorry. We apologize for Naruto's behavior," Kakashi told Gaara. "He's trying to act twice as stupid today to make up for not being in the last chapter."

"Nuh-uh!" Naruto retorted. "But seriously, why _wasn't_ I in the last chapter?"

Kakashi rolled his eyes. "If you want, we can all make blond jokes as payback. It's pretty fun. Just change the blond in the joke to Naruto. He hates it."

Sasuke smirked and started it off by saying, "Okay, so a dumb Naruto was really tired of getting made fun of because of his hair color, so he decided he would dye his hair brown. Once that was done, he drove out into the country. After he'd been driving for a while, he saw Kiba and a flock of sheep and thought, 'Oh, those sheep are so adorable! Believe it!' He got out of his car, walked over to Kiba, and said, 'Hey, if I can guess how many sheep you have, can I take one home? Believe it!' Kiba, being a bit of a gambler himself, said he could have a try. So Naruto looked at the flock and guessed, 'One hundred and fifty-seven - believe it!' Kiba was amazed; Naruto had guessed right! So the once-blond kid picked up an animal and got back into his car. However, before he could leave, Kiba walked up to him and said, 'If I can guess the real color of your hair, can I have my dog back?'"

Sasuke laughed hysterically at his joke, while the others just looked at him.

"What's a car?" Sakura asked blankly.

Gaara nodded, silently echoing the question.

"Sasuke," Kakashi chided. "You don't tell the jokes for this chapter! Your only job in this series is dying."

No sooner had Kakashi said that than Sasuke was sucked into the ground by quicksand, which oddly enough had not been there a few seconds ago.

"Well, there goes Sasuke," Kakashi stated cheerfully.

"Huh?" Gaara asked.

"There is a part in every chapter when Sasuke dies. You're a new character, but don't worry. You'll catch on quickly," Sakura explained. "Anyways, welcome to the group."

Gaara smiled slightly. "Thanks, and your name is?"

"I'm Sakura Haruno. I take it that you're Gaara of the Sand?" Sakura asked.

Gaara nodded. "Sakura, will you be my first friend?"

Sakura smiled. "Sure, I'd love to!"

The two looked over at Naruto still crouched on the ground nearby the quicksand. Naruto pointed a finger at Gaara.

"Stay away! I don't know if it's your hair or what, but there is definitely something seriously wrong with you! Believe it!" Naruto shouted.

Sakura rolled her eyes. "Ignore him. Naruto's weird."

Gaara nodded.

"I'm serious, Sakura! That kid gives me a bad vibe! Believe it!" Naruto shouted, but Sakura and Gaara ignored him and walked away.

The guy and girl arrived at Ichiraku Ramen and were greeted by the friendly shop owner.

"Good afternoon, Sakura. Who's your friend?" he asked nosily.

"This is Gaara of the Sand. He's a new friend of mine from a foreign country," Sakura explained.

"He is?" Teuchi, the owner asked. "Does he have an accent?"

Gaara nodded and asked in his normal voice, "I can do any accent you wish. Just name one."

"Australian!"

Gaara cleared his throat and began speaking in an Australian accent. "G'day mate. Careful where ya step; it's raining dingoes t'day."

Teuchi clapped his hands excitedly. "That was brilliant! Can you do English?"

Gaara cleared his throat again and sure enough started speaking in a perfect English accent. "I'll take another spot o' tea with my crumpets."

"Wow! This guy is amazing!" Teuchi cheered. "You're my new favorite customer! From this day on, all your meals here are free!"

Teuchi then proceeded to pull out a camera, taking a picture of Gaara and hanging it up on the wall overtop of a photo of Naruto.

An anime producer (who had been conveniently sitting in Ichiraku beside Sakura and Gaara) extended his hand for Gaara to shake.

"I'm an anime producer, and I want to turn your life into an anime. We'll call it Gaara, and in just a matter of time, we'll be number one in Japan!" the producer said.

"Wait, isn't Naruto already number one in Japan?" Sakura asked.

"It is! But Gaara will be better! Naruto will be number two! It's all about Gaara now!" the producer explained.

For the first time ever, Gaara smiled. He wasn't sure how it had happened so quickly, but his life had changed from terrible to almost perfect. Naruto watched this scene from the distance and began to tear up a little. Gaara had stolen his crush, his favorite hangout spot, and his anime. What was Gaara planning to take from him next?

Sakura and Gaara walked to the park together. When they arrived, they were greeted by Chōji and Ino, who were sitting together under a tree. Shikamaru was also there, but he was asleep.

"Who's your friend?" Ino asked curiously.

"This is Gaara," Sakura said. Gaara forced a smile on his face and waved.

Ino smiled wide. "Wait, does that mean you two are dating? Does that mean Sasuke can be my boyfriend?" she asked excitedly.

"We're not dating!" Sakura retorted. She looked over at Gaara. His face was now as red as his hair. "Look at that, you embarrassed him!" she said.

Ino giggled. "I think he likes you."

Chōji laughed. "His love for you is stronger than my love for BBQ!"

Sakura noticed that Gaara didn't argue. Could this be true? But the two hardly knew each other. She wasn't even sure how she felt about him. Gaara seemed like such a sweet boy though. Naruto was wrong; there was nothing wrong with Gaara.

"Shut up, guys!" Sakura reached out and took Gaara's hand. "Come on, let's get out of here," she said, and Gaara obeyed.

Ino stuck her tongue out and watched as Sakura and Gaara walked away together. Chōji was about to yell something to embarrass the two, but he remembered he had an unfinished bag of chips on his lap and soon completely lost interest in the couple.

About an hour had passed since Sakura and Gaara had talked with Ino and Chōji. The two now hung out in a slightly more private part of town and talked with each other. Neither of the two mentioned their conversation with Ino. They just tried to go on as if nothing had happened.

"So what's your family like?" Sakura prompted.

"They're... a little weird. My brother Kankurō always talks with his sock puppets. My sister Temari hates the heat but refuses to move out of the hottest village in the ninja world," Gaara explained.

Sakura laughed. "You've got to love family dysfunction."

Gaara laughed too. "Yeah. What's your family like?"

"Not sure. My family has never been seen in the series," Sakura explained.

"That's got to be awkward," Gaara teased.

"Yeah, but I know that I have parents because I constantly reference them in the earlier episodes!"

"True," Gaara said. "Maybe Masashi Kishimoto will introduce us to them sometime."

"I hope so," Sakura said.

There was a bit of an awkward silence, and then Gaara let out a sigh.

"Sakura, there's something about me I want to tell you; but I'm afraid that if I let you in on it, then you'll think I'm a monster like Naruto did."

"What is it?" Sakura asked, seeming concerned.

"A long time ago, this really powerful demon attacked my village and stole our cookies! An old lady named Chiyo fought it and sealed the demon's soul into me; because of that, everyone in my village fears and shuns me. Even my uncle who I thought loved me once tried to kill me," Gaara explained. He hid his face from Sakura because he didn't want to see her reaction.

Sakura reached out and took Gaara's hand. "Masashi Kishimoto is well known for giving us all elaborate and tragic back stories, but you don't have to worry. I don't think yours is that bad."

Gaara looked up. She seemed to be telling the truth. "Y-you mean you'll still be my friend?" he asked.

"Of course," Sakura replied, smiling. "If it makes you feel better, I could share my emotional back story too. That way you can see that you're not alone."

"I'd like that," Gaara said.

"Okay, but I should warn you, it's incredibly sad - maybe even more tragic than yours."

"I can handle it."

"Okay, it started during the Chūnin Exams. This one ninja grabbed me by the hair, so I tried to fight back, but she wouldn't let go. So do you know what I did?"

"What?" Gaara asked in awe.

Sakura sighed. "I took out a kunai and used it to cut my own hair. There were so many split ends! It was horrible!"

Gaara gasped. He looked like he was about to cry. "Wow, that's really sad," he said.

Sakura nodded solemnly. "It is, but you should know it has gotten better; and I'm sure life will get better for you, too. Who knows, maybe _this_ is your turning point."

Gaara nodded and wiped some tears from his eyes. "You're right." He reached into his pocket and pulled out a small object, but Sakura had trouble making out what it was. "Sorry, I bet my mascara is running all over. Excuse me for a minute while I put some on."

At this Sakura's jaw dropped. "Y-you wear mascara?" she asked, seeming frightened.

"Yeah. So?" Gaara asked.

"I-it's for girls! G-guys can't wear mascara!"

"Now, Sakura, don't be..." Gaara was cut off.

"You know what? This is probably what Naruto was talking about! You _are_ a freak!"

**-Phantom130 5 (August 2010)**


	6. Meet Team Zabuza

**Chapter 5: Meet Team Zabuza**

Haku made his way downstairs to Zabuza's hideaway kitchen.

"Good morning, Zabuza," the boy (?) said to Zabuza when he spotted him.

"Oh! Good morning, Haku!" Zabuza replied. Apparently, Haku had caught Zabuza by surprise.

Zabuza returned to the task that had kept him busy before Haku entered - polishing his sword with a banana, then sharpening the blade with a slowly-dying Sasuke.

"Zabuza, do you want me to make you some coffee?" Haku asked, making his way to the coffee maker to prepare some for himself.

"Sure, whatever you want, Haku," Zabuza said absently. "Swordy and I just want to be left alone for a few minutes."

Haku bit back a sigh. He was determined to be a good tool and not show emotional weakness. But sometimes it seemed that even though Haku had been a loyal servant to Zabuza for years, the Demon of the Hidden Mist always treasured his over-sized sword more than Haku.

He turned his head one more time to look at Zabuza. He sweat - dropped when he noticed Zabuza had pulled off his bandages around his face and was kissing his sword. Rather than comment, Haku simply sneaked out of the room, too shocked to say anything more.

Time passed and Haku returned to hand Zabuza a steaming mug of coffee. Haku sat down beside him, waiting for Zabuza to pay some sort of attention to him.

Zabuza took his coffee mug and handed it to Swordy, now sitting in the chair between Haku and Zabuza.

"Drink up, little boy – or whatever - sword!" Zabuza said cheerfully.

It was then that Gatō came waddling down the stairs. He was only living with them because he was paying them to assassinate the bridge builder. And he paid them to kill the bridge builder because, well, Gatō just plain didn't like bridges. They gave him nightmares. He constantly hoped that he would not end up being pushed off a bridge by a demon ninja who had had a change of heart. (This does in fact happen to him in the future, but don't tell him yet. He'll just order Zabuza to kill you too.)

There was only one thing that Gatō liked, and that thing was money - loads of it. He wanted to buy a lifetime supply of pineapples because pineapples are awesome!

"Okay, guys, today we'll need a good plan to earn lots of money! Anyone got any ideas?" Gatō asked.

"I'm up for anything as long as I don't get blood on my precious sword." Zabuza said, softly running his finger along the edge of his beloved blade.

Gatō gave Zabuza a strange look. "What are you talking about?"

"Swords are for loving, not for hurting. Isn't that right, Swordy?" Zabuza cooed.

Haku pouted. "You call your sword Swordy? Why don't I have a cute nickname like that? You just call me Haku, or boy, or your weapon! I'm starting to think you like the sword more than me!" Okay, if he had to admit it: Haku was jealous of a sword. Gatō, Zabuza, and Swordy all just looked at Haku in astonishment, their mouths wide open.

"SWORDS DON'T HAVE MOUTHS!" – That is what Neji would have pointed out if he wasn't too busy questioning whether or not Haku was really a boy. (Yeah, like he was one to talk.)

"Haku, don't talk to your elders with that tone of voice! Go to your room!" Zabuza ordered sternly.

Haku obeyed reluctantly, sniffling the whole way.

Once Haku got to his room he flung himself on the bed. He thought back on some of he and Zabuza's past misadventures. Never once had the man ever treated him like a normal human. It was always Haku the tool, Haku the boy, Haku the bridge builder assassin. Zabuza had never shown kindness, all he cared about was his sword.

Bang, Haku thought he heard something hit his window. He walked over and saw Naruto looking up at him eagerly.

"Hey Haku, do you want to play ninja with me?" Naruto asked. "I can be the really awesome ninja and you can be the assassin! Believe it!"

Haku smiled. "Sure Naruto. I'll be right down!"

Haku was about to leave the room when suddenly he remembered what had happened earlier. Zabuza had told him to head up to his room. Zabuza didn't use punishments often, but when he did he expected the boy to obey them.

Haku sighed. He did not think it was fair how Zabuza treated him. Why did he have to obey if he was only going to be mistreated again? Then an evil idea wormed its way into the boy's mind. He could always disobey Zabuza. He knew it was wrong and part of him felt guilty, but he shook the feeling off.

The boy tiptoed out of his room, past the kitchen, and out of the front door. He had never disobeyed Zabuza before so he was kind of surprised just how easy it was to do.

He then caught up with Naruto who lead him away from the hideout and into the woods where they met up with Neji, Hinata, Sakura, Ino, and Kankurō.

"Ok I've got the last member for our game! Believe it!" Naruto said.

Neji moved in close and studied Haku. "Are you a guy or girl?" He asked after a long moment of staring.

"I'm a guy!" Haku retorted.

"Where's Sasuke? I thought you said you were going to bring him here too." Sakura asked.

"Please don't tell me he's already dead." Ino added.

Naruto nodded solemnly. "Zabuza used him to sharpen his sword again …"

Kankurō rolled his eyes. "Socko says; someone really needs to get him a whetstone."

"Darn, and his birthday just past too." Naruto said seeming upset. "Next year we should all chip in and get him one. Believe it!" The others nodded at Naruto's fabulous idea.

"Anyways, how do we play ninja?" Haku asked; he was anxious to start having fun and forget about Zabuza.

"Oh right!" Naruto said, somehow he already seemed to have forgotten about the game. "Ok, well this game takes place on a bridge which is named after me because I'm the star of this series! Haku you're the villain, Kankurō is the crazy man who talks to his sock puppets, Sakura and Ino you're the two damsels in distress. You two want to build a bridge, but mean old Haku won't let you. And I'm the amazing, and handsome hero! Believe it!"

"W-what role do I have?" Hinata asked timidly.

"Your job is fainting. Believe it!"

"I'm good at that job!" Hinata cheered, and then she promptly fainted with a smile on her face.

"Socko says you did a good job at picking her role." Kankurō said.

Naruto beamed. "Thanks. I've always wanted to be a movie director. Believe it!"

Haku faked a smile. It did not help that this game reminded him so much of Zabuza, but he was willing to try and join in the fun just the same.

"Save us Naruto!" Sakura cried. She was dressed sort of old fashion in a long black dress. Ino, also dressed old fashioned, hugged onto her friend.

"Naruto, where are you?" She asked.

Haku stood in front of the girls looking ready to fight them.

"Haku is only going to play fight these girls. He wouldn't actually hurt them, especially not in a pretend game of ninja." Neji pointed out to nobody in particular.

"Socko says there's no way Naruto will allow you to harm these girls!" Kankurō stated.

"He's right!" Naruto shouted while jumping in front of Ino and Sakura to defend them. "Even though I love pineapples as much as most ninja it's not worth it! Believe it!"

Pineapples, that word reminded Haku of Gatō and Gatō reminded Haku of Zabuza. Haku tried to get his mind focused on something else a rock, a duck, Naruto's toy kunai, anything, but everything just reminded him of Zabuza. And Haku had disobeyed Zabuza.

"Is something wrong? Believe it!" Naruto asked. He was looking over Haku closely as if there was something wrong with him.

"Uh … Yeah; why?" Haku asked.

"It's just you haven't said anything for a while. What's on your mind? Believe it!" Naruto asked.

"Oh!" Haku exclaimed in surprise. He hadn't realized it, but Naruto was right. He had been so busy thinking about Zabuza that he had lost track of time. "It's nothing, but I should … uh … probably get home." He explained.

"Are you serious? But we haven't done anything yet! Believe it!" Naruto said.

"Naruto's right." Neji agreed.

"I'm sorry guys, but there is someone I want to talk to." Haku said before running back home.

Haku knew that he was going to get in trouble if Zabuza found out that he escaped, but Haku didn't care. Despite everything Zabuza had always been a great friend. Haku just wished that he had remembered that sooner. As soon as Haku was out of sight Naruto turned to face Kankurō.

"Looks like you'll play the villain. Believe it!" Naruto said.

Kankurō smiled devilishly at this news. "Socko says he'll gladly fight with you Naruto, but he can't assure you that this will only be play fighting."

Naruto gulped. What had he just gotten himself into?

Haku snuck back in the house. He thought that he had gone unnoticed, but the second that the door shut behind him, Haku saw Zabuza's face and the Demon of the Mist didn't seem happy.

"Where were you?" Zabuza asked sternly. "When we found out that you weren't home, Gatō went out searching for you. He's currently checking everywhere, but the bridge, because of you know; his phobia thing."

"Sorry master Zabuza. I was on the bridge playing ninja with Naruto." Haku explained.

"What have I told you about hanging out on bridges?" Zabuza growled, his hands clenched into fists.

"You said they were dangerous and unless I have your permission then I should stay away from them." Haku said with a sigh.

Zabuza nodded. "Indeed. He pulled the sword off his back. "You can go on a bridge whenever you want." He cooed to the sword in a voice similar to how one would praise a child or small animal.

Haku stomped his foot down. "Zabuza, how come you like that sword better than me?" He snapped.

Zabuza gave Haku a puzzled look. "I don't love Swordy more than you."

"Then how come you treat him, _it_, better than you treat me?" Haku asked.

"Because Swordy doesn't go around breaking rules and complaining that I like you better than him!" Zabuza grunted.

"Oh …" Haku replied half heartedly.

"Haku, remember last week when you wanted to go back home to pay tribute to your mother? I told you that was out of the way and I wasn't sure if I could take you, but we went any way. Do you think I'd do that if I didn't love you? You're like a son to me." Zabuza explained.

"That's true." Haku said. He was still crestfallen, but his face perked up a little.

"Then there was that time when you wanted a pet rabbit. Do you remember what I did?" Zabuza asked.

"No what?" Haku asked.

"I spent all day and night trying to track one down for you."

"So you do love me!" Haku exclaimed.

Zabuza snarled. "I suppose you can say that."

Haku gave Zabuza a hug and a kiss on the cheek. "Thank you Zabuza. I feel a lot better now. I'm sorry for disobeying you."

Zabuza was about to reply when suddenly his cell phone rang and he took the call. (Yes ninja have cell phones too.)

"Hello?" Zabuza asked curiously.

It was Gatō's voice on the other end. "I checked everywhere that you told me to and I still can't find Haku. Has he come back home yet?"

Zabuza used his hand to block the speaker so that Gatō wouldn't hear.

"Hey Haku, what do you say about playing a nasty trick on Gatō?" He whispered.

"Sure." Haku said, paying Zabuza a mischievous smile.

Zabuza let go of the speaker and spoke back to Gatō. "He's not here. I think you may have to check the bridges for him."

**-phantom130 5 (August 2010)**


	7. Meet Team Orochimaru

**Chapter 7: Meet Team Orochimaru**

"Kabuto, will you get me a Pepsi?" Orochimaru called from the living room. He was in the middle of watching some show on PBS about boys with black hair and Sharingans, and he didn't want to miss a thing.

"Do you want diet Pepsi or regular?" Kabuto called back.

Orochimaru pondered the question for a moment. "I suppose I'll just have regular Pepsi today, though I really should be watching my figure ..."

Kabuto came out of the other room in a black maid dress and a white frilly apron, carrying a glass full of Pepsi with ice and a bendy straw.

"Here you are, Lord Orochimaru; I put the ice in the glass and froze the sides of the glass just the way you like it."

Orochimaru giggled and used the straw to blow bubbles. "And you put the bendy straw in too! Kabuto, you always know how to make me happy!"

"Thank you, sir," Kabuto said with a curtsy. Then, after a moment of silence, he asked, "Where is Kimimaro?"

"Oh you know our neighbour Kiba, right?"

"Yes, I know Kiba. Why?"

"Well, Kiba's little doggy, Akamaru, wouldn't stop barking - I think he saw a squirrel or something. So I sent Kimimaro over to tell Kiba to keep Akamaru quiet."

"Do you really think that was a smart idea, seeing as Kimimaro is basically all bones, and dogs like bones?" Neji asked, seeming to appear out of nowhere before immediately disappearing again.

"Oh, of course it was, because I'm smart like that!" Orochimaru said, smiling proudly.

Just then, Kimimaro ran in with Akamaru chewing on his arm.

"Help, please! Get this dog off of me!" he screamed. Kabuto and Orochimaru helped pry Akamaru off Kimimaro's arm.

"Okay, people – today, we need to think of a way to kidnap Sasuke!" Orochimaru ordered. By now they had already pried the dog off of Kimimaro and were ready to start their day.

"Lord Orochimaru, how about we stuff Sasuke in a bag and hit him over the head with a baseball bat?" Kabuto suggested.

"Wouldn't that hurt him? We wouldn't want to damage his beautiful emo features," Orochimaru said, looking somewhat disturbed.

"Nonsense!" Kabuto scoffed. "I could do it to Kimimaro right now, and nothing bad would happen at all." Kabuto pulled out a bag and baseball bat and threateningly turned to Kimimaro.

"Please, don't!" Kimimaro pleaded, taking a healthy step back.

"Fine, come on, guys, let's go bag ourselves a Sasuke!" Orochimaru said cheerfully. Kabuto and Kimimaro cheered and followed.

Meanwhile, Sasuke was in an anime store, looking at shirts from Bleach. He tried on one of Aizen and studied himself critically in a mirror.

Then he spotted a sign that said, "Buy new, limited edition, talking Naruto and friends collectable toys!"

He picked up a Naruto toy and squeezed it. "Believe it!" the toy said. Another squeeze and it said, "Believe it!" again. The Naruto toy that Sasuke had picked up was the only one left; the rest had sold out.

The rest of the characters were sold out, too. Oddly enough, the talking Sasukes were the only toys left in abundance. The real Sasuke picked one up and squeezed it. "Vengeance is mine!" the toy growled.

Orochimaru and his gang chose that moment to show up and bag Sasuke. Unfortunately, they couldn't tell the difference between the Sasuke dolls and the real Sasuke, so they just knocked all of them out onto the floor and bagged the one that they were sure was Sasuke.

Orochimaru swore that he recognized those 'little button eyes.' However, they later found out that that was just a toy too.

"Sorry guys. I have failed to kidnap Sasuke once again." Orochimaru said.

"You know Lord Orochimaru, if you want a new vessel so badly I'd be happy to contribute; you know, as sort of a substitute encase Kimimaro never recovers from his disease." Kabuto offered.

"Thanks, but no thanks." Orochimaru said; not even seeming to give much thought toward the offer.

"Why not?" Kabuto asked. "Have you even considered me as possible candidate for your next vessel?"

"I have and it's nothing personal it's just ... I don't like glasses much ..." Orochimaru said.

"You don't want me as your vessel because I wear glasses?" Kabuto repeated.

"Yeah, I mean could you imagine. I'm supposed to be a fearsome leader, but how can I do that when I look like a glasses wearing nerd? No offence."

"Hey!" Kabuto retorted.

"Relax. I said no offence." Orochimaru said; making it sound like those two words made a difference.

"Orochimaru, you're like a father to me, but if I can be honest you lost your ability of intimidation the moment that you decided to devote your life to kidnapping a twelve year old." Kimimaro pointed out. "Now you're just kind of creepy ..."

Orochimaru sighed. "I suppose I have lost touch with reality quite a bit. But what do you suggest? It's not like I can just change who I am. If I could, then Tenten would have been given a personality decades ago."

"True." Kabuto agreed. "Maybe you just need some time off. Kimimaro and I can run things while you're gone."

Orochimaru cringed. "I like your idea about a break, but there's no way I'm going to allow a weird glasses wearing guy and physically ill hospital patient take care of my work while I'm away!"

Kimimaro turned to Kabuto and giggled. "How does it feel to be called weird by the King of Weird?"

"... Not very good ..." Kabuto said with a sigh.

Orochimaru continued speaking, ignoring his friends. "No, we need someone new, fresh blood and I think I know just the person!"

"Who?" Kabuto and Kimimaro asked in unison.

"You'll see tomorrow." Orochimaru replied cheerfully.

The next day Orochimaru walked into the lab with Kiba and Akamaru following close behind. When Kimimaro spotted Akamaru he gulped and prayed to go unnoticed. Sadly that wasn't the case. Akamaru bit onto Kimimaro's arm and refused to let go. Kimimaro finally shook him off by taking a small bone out from his back and tossing it outside for Akamaru to chase. As soon as Akamaru was outside Kimimaro locked the door and went back to the conversation between Orochimaru, Kabuto, and Kiba.

"So you're replacing me with a twelve year old?" Kabuto asked angrily while looking back and forth between Orochimaru and Kiba.

Orochimaru nodded. "While I'm gone you must do anything that Kiba asks you for."

Kabuto cringed. "Even if he asks for a sponge bath?"

"Especially that!" Orochimaru replied with a sadistic smile. Kabuto groaned. This really wasn't his week.

"Kabuto, will you get me a Pepsi?" Kiba called from the living room. He was in the middle of watching some show on PBS about small white dogs and their owners and he didn't want to miss a thing.

"Do you want diet Pepsi or regular?" Kabuto called back in an annoyed voice.

Kiba pondered the question for a moment. "I suppose I'll just have regular Pepsi today, though I really should be watching my figure ..."

An annoyed Kabuto came out of the other room in a black maid dress and a white frilly apron, carrying a glass full of Pepsi with ice and a bendy straw.

"Here's your drink sir." Kabuto said dryly.

Kiba giggled and used the straw to blow bubbles. "And you put the bendy straw in too! Kabuto, you always know how to make me happy!"

"You're welcome sir, but I assure you that I'm just doing my job." Kabuto said.

"I know. I know." Kiba replied dismissively. "Where's Kimimaro?"

"I believe that he's playing with your dog." Kabuto said.

Kiba smiled. "Aww, gee isn't that nice?"

"So what are your plans for today?" Kabuto asked.

Kiba shrugged. "Maybe I'll just stay here and play some Mario Kart."

"But you're the leader of Orochimaru's hideout! We have the military to do just about anything! You should at least give our group a challenge."

Kiba's eyes widened in surprise. "You're right! Well I guess now that I think about it there is a little something you could do."

"What is it?" Kabuto asked.

"Well it's sort of a long story, but let's just say there's this one person who doesn't like puppies. I saw him kick one once. Let's say I gave you orders to kill him, would you do that for me?" Kiba asked.

"You're not referring to Kimimaro are you?" Kabuto asked inquisitively.

"No, Kimimaro's alright. The person I'm talking about like _really _doesn't like dogs!" Kiba said.

"Then I suppose we could arrange that. Who is the person? Just say the name and we'll have him killed." Kabuto said.

Kiba smiled. "His name is Sasuke Uchiha!"

Kabuto's jaw dropped. Orochimaru had ordered Kabuto to do whatever Kiba asked for, but Orochimaru wouldn't be pleased either to know that one of his own men purposely contributed to Sasuke's latest death. Kabuto would have to think this one over some more.

Meanwhile, Orochimaru casually strode through Konoha. He paid no heed to the many gawkers that were surprised by just how bold the snake was to unwelcomingly come back into a village that he'd betrayed without any security or a disguise. Orochimaru waved at a small toad.

"Good morning Jiraiya!" He cheered. The toad didn't speak, but hopped away. This didn't bother Orochimaru though. He was used to getting the silent treatment from his once best friend/rival.

Orochimaru tapped his chin in deep thought. He was on vacation from being evil. He could do anything that he wanted, but what did he want to do? There were so many possibilities. He could go visit Sasuke or he could say hi to the Hokage. He and the Hokage hadn't talked for years. Orochimaru couldn't even remember what they were fighting about. Surely he would be happy to see him.

When Orochimaru was in the Hokage's office he was greeted by a surprised Hokage. The Hokage stared at Orochimaru, wide mouthed for a while before speaking.

"How'd you get into here?"

"The door was unlocked." Orochimaru said casually.

"I know, but how about the guards?"

"What guards?" Orochimaru asked.

"The ones guarding this place!"

"There weren't any guards." Orochimaru said nonchalantly.

The Hokage stood still with his mouth wide open in astonishment. "How can there not be any guards?"

"Well I've never seen any around this place have you?"

"No I can't say that I have. But isn't this place like the most important place in the village to guard? I can't believe that no one would guard it!"

"I know it's surprising." Orochimaru agreed. "I mean at any moment some big, bad villain could attack you and try to kill you! I know, why don't I guard your hide out?"

"No!" The Hokage retorted.

"Why not?" Orochimaru asked, a hint of disappointment seeping through his voice. The snake wasn't used to not getting what he wanted.

"Because you're evil!"

Orochimaru rubbed the back of his head. An anime sweat drop rolled down his forehead. "Oh yeah I forgot ... But I'm not evil right now! I'm on vacation!"

"On vacation from being evil? How does that work?"

Orochimaru shrugged. "Not sure. It just does." He cheerfully wrapped his arm around the Hokage. "So what do you say Sarutobi – Sensei, want to go out to play?"

"... No ..." The Hokage said dryly. "I've got important Hokage business to attend to. But you're welcome to play in the village all you want, but you'd better stay on your best behavior!"

Orochimaru nodded. "I will sir."

Orochimaru left the Hokage's office just in time to see Kiba, Kabuto, and Kimimaro talking with Sasuke. Orochimaru curiously watched the group from behind a tree.

"Why don't you like dogs?" Kiba asked angrily.

"I just don't. They're loud, slobbery, and annoying! I'm more of a cat person to be honest." Sasuke said.

Kiba gave Sasuke a disgusted look. "Cats are the one animal that I can't stand! Kabuto you can kill him!"

Kabuto sighed. "Sorry Sasuke, but this must be done." His hands began to glow bright purple. This was his chakra scalpel.

"No don't do it!" Orochimaru yelled. He charged head first at Kabuto in order to stop his attack, but accidently charged into Sasuke instead. This sent the Uchiha flying backwards through a building window where he died.

Orochimaru stood back up and pointed accusingly at Kiba. "Don't you dare harm Sasuke!"

**-phantom130 5 (September 2010)**


	8. Meet Team Itachi

**Chapter 8: Meet Team Itachi**

Today's story starts out at a town hall meeting. The old Hokage stood at the front of the room, smoking an old wooden pipe. His son Asuma was smoking a cigarette, and his grandson Konohamaru was smoking a bubble wand. It was one of those like father like son like grandson moments. They were standing close beside the Hokage to listen to his message.

The rest of the Naruto world sat in the stands. Church had just ended, and now they were waiting for the Hokage's 'big announcement'.

"Attention, all ninjas of the Leaf, Sound, Sand, and Mist!" the Hokage shouted. "There is something that I want to discuss! We're getting immigrants from a foreign country. I've been told they don't speak English, so I just wondered how many of you speak a language besides English!"

The crowd talked amongst themselves for a moment. Finally, from the crowd, Kabuto raised his hand and called, "I know how to speak Muffin!"

Choji's eyes lit up at the word.

"I know how to speak Believe It!" Naruto shouted. "Believe It is like English but you only use letters from the phrase believe it! Believe it!"

"I speak bug," Shino commented, hugging Lee.

"Socko says he speaks Sock Puppet," Kankuro said.

The Hokage sighed. "Of course you do; but does anyone speak a real language?"

"I speak Japanese," Kakashi offered.

The Hokage facepalmed.

The next day, two figures from the Akatsuki walked into the village. They had studied Spanish and worn sombreros to avoid getting recognized. There was one problem, though. One of the Akatsuki members was a blue fish being held onto by the other by a leash. He wore a fish tank hamlet, similar to on Sponge Bob.

When the Hokage saw the two men with sombreros and moustaches, he ran over to say hi. "Hello, Canadians!" the Hokage said slowly, as if they were idiots. He failed to realize that the two guys were clearly Spanish and not Canadian.

"¡Hola!" the non-blue man greeted back, meaning, "Hello!"

The other just said, "Glub."

"Llévame a Naruto," the first man requested, meaning, "Take me to Naruto."

The Hokage, obviously confused by the new language, pulled out an English-Canadian dictionary.

The second Akatsuki member simply added another, "Glub."

The Hokage frantically flipped through the pages, looking for some sort of translation, unable to understand a thing they were saying.

The first Akatsuki man growled impatiently, waiting for the Hokage to realize that he was speaking Spanish and that Canadian wasn't a language.

Finally, he shouted, "Take me to Naruto!" He had given up on keeping in-character, but the second Akatsuki member continued glubbing.

"Glub."

The Hokage smiled, pleased to be able to understand them now. "Oh, you mean the 'believe it' kid?"

"Yes, the 'believe it' kid," the first Akatsuki member said, getting even more impatient. "Show me him!"

The second Akatsuki member added his two cents: "Glub."

Then a voice seemed to come out of nowhere. "Itachi, it's you! I'm going to kill you for what you did to the Uchiha clan!"

Sasuke charged at the Mexican man, who pulled off his costume. Sure enough, he was Itachi.

"Fool," Itachi said with an evil laugh. "I keep telling you, little brother, that the Uchiha clan is still alive! The reason you never see them is because they're all partying with me on my houseboat on the water, and you're not invited!"

"Shut up; you're lying!" Sasuke yelled. "I'd rather my clan be dead than be partying with you, Itachi! You cheat in Go Fish!"

"Glub," was all the second Akatsuki member said.

He was still in his costume and on a leash, but it was obvious he was Kisame, seeing as how Kisame was the only character in Naruto that was blue.

Then the two brothers got into a random Yo Mama fight.

"Yo Mama's so fat even Naruto didn't believe it!"

"Yo Mama's so ugly even Jiraiya didn't want her!"

"Yo Mama's so old she sat behind the first Hokage!"

"Yo Mama's so fat she made Choji say dang!"

"Yo Mama's so fat Naruto thought she was using shadow clones!"

The insults just flew until the brothers realized they had the same mother.

Then Sasuke charged at his brother. However, Itachi pushed him into the ground so hard that it made an impression of Sasuke in the cement.

Sasuke collapsed on the ground, dead.

"Foolish brother, you can never kill me or be invited to my party on the boat."

~ phantom130 5 (September 2010)


	9. The Akimichi Who Wished to Fly

**Chapter 9: The Akimichi who Wished to Fly**

My name is Choji Akimichi.

I like apples, bananas, carrots, donuts, eggs, French fries, gram crackers, honey, ice cream, jelly, ketchup, lemon tea, marshmallows, nuts, Oreos, peanut butter, Quaker's oatmeal, radishes, sushi, turkey, upside-down cake, vanilla cake, waffles, Xavier steak, yogurt, Zingers, and many more. In case you didn't notice, my list contains foods in alphabetical order from every letter of the alphabet; and if you have the time to write something like this, you've got too much free time.

Today, I'm going to narrate the spoof, because who ever normally narrates the story is stuck in a seemingly endless cycle of homework. Darn school. You probably don't know me very well, as none of you, I mean none of you, readers voted for me as your favorite. Well, I'm going to tell you about myself.

Today's story starts at the Team Asuma training ground.

Shikamaru was sleeping under a honey tree. Asuma was bargaining with Kakashi for some free smokes, even though it wasn't Free Cigarette Friday, not to mention the fact that my sensei's bad at bargaining. He often somehow ends up bargaining more than the thing was worth in the first place. I think he has already given away his house, a car, his Jounin vest, and a pack of cigarettes for more cigarettes.

And Ino was with Sakura, stalking Sasuke, who was trying to face off with Itachi, while Orochimaru, Kabuto, and Kimimaro (standing close by) plotted to kidnap him. Like Asuma's training grounds is amazingly close to Kakashi's Cigarette Shop, Orochimaru's base is always amazingly close to wherever Sasuke is at the moment. Good thing it was mobile - it was taped to Sasuke's back. Naruto often hopped in for a free ride from time to time. Once Naruto was inside, he was greeted by Kabuto's friendly hospitality and offered muffins and a foot rub.

Naruto and Orochimaru got along well ever since they had set aside their differences and decided to agree to disagree. Naruto even brought little toady Jiraiya along for the ride once. Keep in mind Jiraiya is just a normal toad. The real Jiraiya was always off training. No one ever noticed he was gone, though. Instead, they believed that the toad 'Jiraiya' was just the real Jiraiya training in sage mode.

I also saw Kakashi in the bushes nearby, plotting his next killing of Sasuke. Ryuk stood nearby with an apple. I like apples. I wondered if Ryuk would share. Regardless, I think Kakashi was planning something very complicated involving the sun and the color purple to kill Sasuke. I'll let you decide what happens next.

Orochimaru's plot to kidnap Sasuke involved Kimimaro posing as Itachi, while Kabuto and Orochimaru watched from a safe distance for Sasuke to chase after Itachi/Kimimaro. Sadly, this just led to two Itachis, both of whom Sasuke was trying to kill. And it led to a very confused Kisame.

He said, "Glub."

Neji had to point out that there can only be one Itachi unless he was using shadow clones.

As for me, I was nowhere to be seen. I had a hole in my heart that couldn't be filled with food... I wanted to fly.

Ino eventually found me moping around stuffing my face full of sushi. "Choji, what's up? You look sadder than usual. You weren't even at training!"

"Ino, I've got a confession," I sighed, setting down my chopsticks.

"What is it, Choji?"

"I want to fly! It's been my dream for years. I saw a butterfly today, and you know what it was doing? It was flying, Ino! I want to be that butterfly!"

By this point I was shaking Ino up and down, pleading for her help.

"Fine, Choji, I'll help you; and I know just the perfect person to assist! Hint: the person is really well known. Can you guess?"

"Um, is it Dumbo, Winx Club, Woody Woodpecker, Buzz Lightyear, Tweedy Bird, Superman, Mighty Mouse, Underdog, Iron Man, or Pidgey?"

"Uh, actually, no. I was thinking more like Tinkerbelle."

"Oh."

Then suddenly, as if out of nowhere, a speck of blue light belonging to Tinkerbelle flew over.

"You can fly, fat boy! All you need is faith, trust, and a little bit of pixie dust!"

She sprinkled a pinch of dust on me. I sneezed, but nothing else happened. This caught Tinkerbelle by surprise.

"Make that more pixie dust and a lot of wind!" she corrected herself. She sprinkled more pixie dust on me, then she and Ino watched as a huge, tornado-like wind came and tried to pick me up. It failed. I went into a sadder slump.

"This is useless, talking potato chip. I'll never fly," I told Tinkerbelle, who did indeed look to me like a talking potato chip.

"Don't give up, fat boy," Tinkerbelle encouraged. "It's not too late!"

Tinkerbelle pulled out a small walky-talky. "Send in Mac!" she yelled into it. "We need to get this fat boy into the air!"

A dump truck appeared, carrying truckloads of pixie dust.

It backed up in front of me, and Tinkerbelle ordered Mac to empty the truck on me. The dust fell on me, almost burying me alive. Still, nothing happened. Tinkerbelle grew cross, then sighed.

"Sorry, boy, you're just too fat to fly."

I sighed. "Thank you for trying, talking potato chip." Before Tinkerbelle could reply, I picked her up and ate her.

Ino jumped in shock. "Choji, you just ate Tinkerbelle!" she yelled, yanking at my cheeks. "Give her back! Peter Pan will be mad!"

Later that day, I decided that if I couldn't really fly, I'd ride an airplane; but, just my luck, only today did the airlines just started their 'too fat to fly' policy.

I had just given up completely when I noticed a noticed giant American Black Bear, Cinnamon Bear, Kermode Bear, Asiatic Black Bear, Baluchistan Bear, Formosan Black Bear, Pakistan Black Bear, Brown Bear, Atlas Bear, Bergman's Bear, Blue Bear, Eurasian Brown Bear, European Brown Bear, Gobi Bear, Grizzly Bear, Himalayan Brown Bear, Hokkaido Brown Bear, Kamchatka Brown Bear, Mexican Grizzly Bear, Siberian Brown Bear, Syrian Brown Bear, Sloth Bear, Sri Lankan Sloth Bear, Sun Bear, Polar Bear, Spectacled Bear, and Pooh Bear heading straight towards Shikamaru, who was fast asleep under a honey tree.

I had to save my best buddy! But how?

I knew I had to pull out my handy-dandy Akimichi food pills.

Neji's legal disclaimer: "Don't use Akimichi food pills if they weren't prescribed to you. If you do, it could cause one or more of the following: blurred vision, trouble breathing, constipation, over-happiness, turning into a butterfly, log arms, blood clots, and even death."

I didn't have time to waste. I shoved the red pill into my mouth. My body slowly morphed. I grew thinner, lighter, and stronger. And when I turned around, wings like a butterfly's had formed from my back. There was just enough time to carry Shikamaru away from the hungry bears and save his life.

Neji's disclaimer: "No bears were harmed in the saving of Shikamaru. Actually, no bears were harmed in this whole chapter. I can't say the same for Tinkerbelle and Sasuke though."

I brought Shikamaru back to the ground and dropped him gently in a safer place.

Next to us was Kakashi's bomb workshop (yes, he sells cigarettes, bombs now) Then I realized I had wings. I was so happy - I was now like a butterfly!

So, kids, that's my story. The moral is that bears like honey.

~ phantom130 5 (September 2010)


	10. The Ninja Fashion Show

**Chapter 10: ****The Ninja Fashion Show**

Today's chapter starts with Team Kakashi out on a very dangerous mission: they had to go over to Bull's Eyes and get the Third Hokage a pizza. Yeah, sure, that sounds safe; but when ninety percent of the world are ninja, everything is just ninety percent more difficult. 'Go to Bull's Eyes and pick up a king-sized pizza' could mean 'kill an army of assassins while balancing, and trying to keep warm, the king-sized pizza'.

The perfect example would be the mission to the Land of Waves: they were told to watch over a bridge builder. Surely no one would waste their time trying to kill someone that builds bridges for a living! Wrong!

Anyways, Sasuke was using Fireball Jutsu, trying to keep the pizza warm. Meanwhile, Naruto used Ninetails to fight off several hungry ninja, Sakura punched them down because she didn't have any other powers useful for fighting, and Kakashi wrote the names down in the Death Note. Kakashi had replaced his normal eye with the Ryuk's eye so he could see all the assassins' names. (Ryuk's eyes allow you to see any human's name just by looking at them, along with how many years the person was expected to live.) However, in exchange, Kakashi had to give Ryuk half of his remaining life - so if Kakashi had had twenty years left to live, he would now only have ten. Obito's and Ryuk's eyes - that's pretty cool. ...Even if the eye was no real use, because each of the assassins were wearing a name tag that said, "Hello, my name is:", then they put their name. What a shame that Kakashi shortened his life for nothing.

When the ninja finally made it back alive (yep, even Sasuke), the Third Hokage greeted them with open arms and told the four ninja to dig in. He had ordered the pizza to split between himself and Team Kakashi, so they all sat down in the Hokage's office and had a happy feast.

Naruto and Sasuke quickly broke into a food fight, and soon Sakura, Kakashi, and even the old Hokage joined in. Afterwards, Team Kakashi headed toward the lake to get washed up. They would have invited the Hokage to join them, but they knew he only owned a Speedo, and no one wanted to see him in that. All in all, they chose not to tell him.

They didn't know that tomorrow would be The Big Annual Ninja Beauty Pageant. The Third Hokage had ordered the pizza so he could stay full and focused while trying to arrange for three judges and the perfect prize. In the end, the Third Hokage decided the perfect prize for the event would be one million dollars, and a pet fish that he would catch tonight.

The Third Hokage also decided to call Kakashi and Guy and ask if they'd like to help him judge. He just needed to think of one more judge... Who would be perfect for judging? Oh well, he should go fishing first, then make calls for the last judge.

He grabbed an old fishing rod and went to the river to see what he could catch. (This was around the same time that Team Kakashi is swimming. They were on opposite ends of the river so none of them noticed each other right away.) Third Hokage casted his fishing rod into the distance and ended up unknowingly hooking his rod to the top of Sasuke's swimming shorts. Naruto and Kakashi could only laugh as they watched Sasuke get reeled far off into the distance, while Sakura watched Sasuke go with a horrified expression on her face.

The Third Hokage obviously wasn't much of a fisher. He also had terrible eyesight, and when he pulled Sasuke out of the river he honestly believed that he had caught a goldfish. He quickly tossed Sasuke into an airless fish tank and closed and locked the lid, making it impossible to breathe or escape.

The Third Hokage quickly snapped a picture of the apparent 'goldfish'.

"This is going on the advertisements," the Hokage said to himself.

Time passed, and Sasuke eventually drowned. Word spread quickly of the Annual Ninja Talent Show. Kakashi and Guy agreed to judge, and the Third Hokage got guest help from Simon Cowell. He had wanted to try Tyra Banks, but the Hokage had lost her number; so instead of a modeling judge, he'd get a music judge. Close enough, right?

Neji's disclaimer: "As it is against FanFiction guidelines to use real and currently-living characters, this 'Simon Cowell' is not the one you know. It is his imaginary twin brother. Yes, with the same name."

Sakura and Ino noticed Sasuke to be one of the prizes from the flyer, and both decided to try their best to win over Sasuke's love.

Naruto also wanted to compete in order to win Sasuke. He figured he could use Sasuke as his slave, and he'd use the prize money to buy a mansion. His life would be perfect after that. Believe it!

Tenten and Temari agreed to compete, but mainly just for the prize money. Hinata entered, too, even though the Hyuga heiress had no need for either Sasuke or the money.

Orochimaru saw his 'darling avenger' on the flyer and ordered Kimimaro to dress like a girl in order to bring Sasuke to him. Kimimaro refused, since every time he got sent on a mission to get Sasuke, Kimimaro found himself hurt somehow. Orochimaru disagreed and repeatedly hit Kimimaro with a hammer while telling him that the pain was all in his imagination and that he needed to get over it. Kimimaro sighed but agreed to help his lord. Orochimaru and Kabuto did their 'Happy We're-Going-to-Steal-Sasuke Dance'.

Gato wanted the prize money for himself. He ordered Haku to go in the pageant, not realizing that it said 'girls only'. Yet they still let Haku in the pageant, one hundred percent certain that Haku was a girl.

The last people to enter were Itachi and Kisame, who found out about the pageant second-hand from a girl on their party boat. She told them that if they won, they could get Kisame a fish friend.

Kisame excitedly said, "Glub." He wanted this 'fish friend', not realizing that it was Itachi's brother.

Itachi was willing to compete on Kisame's behalf. He also got past the security without having to dress like a girl. Itachi just gave the guards a stare, and they were more than happy to do as he requested. All the people then were rushed into the same change room without being given the chance to even glance Sasuke's way.

Meanwhile, Naruto was still outside. The security wouldn't let him through.

When Naruto noticed Hinata about to run back stage to get changed for the pageant, Naruto stopped her and kissed her as if it were a romance movie.

Then Naruto whispered to her softly, "Good luck; I believe in you. Believe it."

Hinata fainted, thus giving Naruto the opportunity to steal her jacket and purse.

"Sorry, Hinata, but you'll understand when I'm rich. Believe it!" Naruto said.

He took a brush and quickly brushed his hair back and put lipstick and eyeliner on, then slipped Hinata's jacket on as well. He didn't look really like a girl, but it was the best he knew how to do. Naruto ran and took his (or Hinata's) place, making it just barely in time and claiming to be Hinata by pulling Hinata's registration number out of her purse.

It was about time to start The Ninja Beauty Pageant.

The contestants were in the changing room applying make – up and eye liner to make them look more appealing to the panel of judges.

'I don't like the idea of this high heal thing...' Kimimaro thought to himself, 'But Lord Orochimaru said that beauty is pain... So considering how much pain my body is in right now I must look gorgeous because these high heels hurt!'

"Hey billboard brow," Ino said approaching her long time rival.

"Hey Ino – pig," Sakura replied.

"Don't you dare think that you're going to win Sasuke by doing this. because he's mine, and so is the money!"

"No way Ino, he's mine!"

"Hey guys, what are you talking about? Believe it!" Naruto said, seemingly appearing out of nowhere.

"Naruto, how did you get here?" Sakura yelled knocking the blonde to the ground.

Meanwhile, Kakashi and Guy finally got to meet their long time idol Simon Cowl.

"Why am I judging a bloody fashion show? They said this would be a music computation similar to American Idol." He asked, "Look I'm a music judge not a fashion judge."

"Sorry sir, but the Hokage was pressed for time and you were the only one he could round up last minute." Kakashi said apologetically.

"Ok, but I should warn you I really don't care for fashion so don't be surprised if I give everyone a bad score."

Finally, it came time for the contest to start and the eight contestants lined up. All they had to do was a quick model walk across the runway and if the judges liked how they looked then they could win. The first contestant was Tenten. She casually did her walk, smiled to the judges, waved, and walked off the stage.

"I hated it." Simon said.

"I liked it," Kakashi said, "It was nearly flawless, but something about the act is missing... You lack personality."

"For once I couldn't agree with you more Kakashi. Sorry Tenten, better luck next year." Guy added.

Sakura was up next. She took one step onto the runway and looked at the judges. On the judge's table was the fish tank. Sure enough Sasuke was in it. She walked closer and continued her walk until she finally got a better look at the tank. Sasuke had completely drowned to death and was floating belly – up inside the tank. This made Sakura scream.

"Sasuke's dead!" She yelled pointing at the fish tank.

"What?" Ino yelled coming out from behind the stage.

"I said Sasuke's dead!"

"Eww, come on Sakura let's get out of here." Ino said grabbing Sakura's hand and dragging her away from the judge's table.

"That was horrible." Simon said when the girls were gone.

"She should have known Sasuke would be dead." Kakashi added, "I mean she's been in this story for nine chapters so far."

"That's Sasuke in the tank? I really thought it was a fish." Guy replied in shock.

"Guy, you and the Hokage both need to get your eyes checked." Kakashi said nonchalantly.

"Sorry people and fish look alike to me. I'm really bad at remembering faces."

Temari was next, 'Keep your cool, and get this done.' Temari thought worriedly. The advice was supposed to calm her nerves, but somehow it didn't help.

'Almost done, I'm on the runway now; there is no turning back... Is it hot today or is it just me? I think I'm really hot! HOT! TODAY IS SO HOT! WHY IS IT SO HOT?"

"WHY THE HECK IS IT SO HOT OUT HERE TODAY?" Temari yelled pulling out her giant fan.

"Hot? Actually today's weather is pretty good." Kakashi said.

"WELL I'M HOT!" Temari began to rapidly use her fan to cool herself, but somehow even with all the effort it still didn't seem to help cool her down.

'I need to go home; there's AC back there.' Temari thought running back to the Sand Village.

"Horrible," Simon said, this time no one argued.

Kimimaro entered the runway next, but he was having a lot of trouble walking with his new pair of shoes. He often stumbled with each step. Finally, when he got close to the edge of the runway he did a wave, but ended up losing balance and falling off.

"Terrible," Simon said.

"You'd think she'd never worn high heels before." Guy muttered.

"That's why guys should stay away from girl's shoes." Kakashi added nonchalantly.

Naruto came out next from behind the stage. When Kakashi saw him he did a face palm.

"Naruto, take off that costume right now." He said.

"No, I want the money. Besides I like this fashion. Believe it!"

"Don't worry Naruto; your new style is amazing!" Guy exclaimed in awe, giving the boy two thumbs up, "Your outfit is really youthful; I love it!"

"See Naruto, you know as well as I do that when Guy says he likes your style of fashion and calls it 'youthful' that means there's definitely something wrong with it." Kakashi pointed out.

I see your point... Believe it..." Naruto said with a frown.

"... Now that was just awkward..." Simon added when Naruto was gone.

"Looks like we're down to the final two contestants," Kakashi announced, "one of them, either Haku or Itachi will become Little Miss Konoha. Can I see both of you model at the same time?"

Haku and Itachi both did their walk at the same time and modeled flawlessly. All the judges including Simon were awe – struck by their tremendous talent. When the two both took a bow at the the judges went into a circle to discuss who they thought should win.

In the end they came to an anonymous decision. All the judges seemed to agree that the best suited and most beautiful girl in all of Konoha was none other than Haku!

Kakashi put a sash around Haku's body that said "Little Miss Konoha" as Guy carried up the "fish" and placed it in the boy's hands.

"Haku, you're the most beautiful girl in Konoha; do you have anything to say to the people watching at home?

Haku's jaw dropped and he let Sasuke's glass smash onto the floor, "I'm so sick of people thinking I'm a girl! I'M A GUY!"

"Sure you are." Kakashi said sarcastically.

"THAT'S IT I QUIT!" Haku yelled tearing off the sash and throwing it to the ground before storming away.

"Looks like Itachi's our winner by default!" Kakashi announced while Guy whipped off the sash and put it around him instead.

"Yes, I'd like the prize money, but you can keep the drown Sasuke."

~ phantom130 5 (September 2010)


	11. Naruto Thanks Giving

**Chapter 11: Naruto Thanks Giving**

Today's story starts underground in Orochimaru's secret snake layer. Kabuto and Kimimaro were setting up for a feast to remember. Kabuto had brought stuffing, cranberries, and ham. Days like this were the kinds of days to spend with close friends and family. You see, today was Thanksgiving. It was one of those holidays where friends and enemies alike come together and eat food. There was just one thing missing... What was it? Oh yes, it was the most important part of the meal: the turkey.

Kabuto was lucky that Orochimaru had promised to go out of his way and pick it out himself; although hopefully this time, he would actually come back with a turkey and not Sasuke or a wacky plan to get Sasuke. Just then, Kabuto heard a car pull into the driveway, and the door quickly opened.

"Kabutooo, I'm home!" Orochimaru announced. "And look who followed me home!"

Behind Orochimaru walked in a ninja with black hair and a blue sweat shirt.

"He promised me death," Sasuke said with a smile.

Don't you see why I love this kid?" Orochimaru asked, giving Sasuke a hug.

"Yes, that's nice, Lord Orochimaru; but did you, uh, bring the turkey?" Kabuto asked, seeming frantic to get the turkey started. He needed at least four good hours to cook it, and that was just about how much time he had left.

Orochimaru frowned. "Oh. Sorry, Kabuto, I just brought home Sasuke," Orochimaru said, holding Sasuke up as though Kabuto hadn't clearly seen him when he had both feet on the floor.

"Whee!" Sasuke cheered, clapping his hands and laughing.

Kabuto growled and took Sasuke from Orochimaru. "I guess it'll have to do, since you can never remember _anything_ I ask you to do!" Kabuto shouted. He tossed Sasuke into the oven, latching it shut before Orochimaru could object.

"Sheesh, Kabuto, sometimes you act more like an angry housewife than my right hand man. I could just go back and get your turkey," Orochimaru sighed.

"No, you did your job. After all, there is so much more work we need to do to prepare," Kabuto said.

"Not more work!" Orochimaru complained.

After two hours of preparation, Orochimaru commented, "I thought Thanksgiving was in November. Why are we having a Thanksgiving party if it's not for another month? And whatever happened to Obon, the Japanese equivalent to Thanksgiving?"

Kabuto sighed and explained it to his friend, "American Thanksgiving is November, but in Canada, Thanksgiving starts in two more hours. As for your second question, we'll celebrate Obon another day."

"Oh!" Orochimaru said. "Why do we celebrate Canadian Thanksgiving?"

"Because Phantom130 5 is Canadian. Do you understand?" Kabuto explained.

"A Canadian, eh? Does he live in an igloo and ride a polar bear to school?" Orochimaru asked.

Kabuto just sighed and put his hand to his forehead, hoping to ease his growing headache. "Something like that," he replied. "Now please come and help me prepare!" He handed Orochimaru the phone and phonebook. "Call our friends and tell them about the party."

Orochimaru nodded and obeyed for the most part, but he couldn't resist prank-calling Choji.

"Is your refrigerator running?" Orochimaru asked.

"One sec, I'll check," Choji said. He must have gotten distracted by the food in his refrigerator, though, because he never came back to the call.

Soon, one by one, everyone showed up at Orochimaru's layer, ready to eat. As they came in, Kimimaro would open the door and insist that they wipe their feet before coming in, because Kabuto was very particular about how the house looked.

He even made Kisame and Akamaru wear a diaper. At first, the animals refused. Kisame tried to get away and Akamaru tried to bite Kimimaro, but after a big hassle, Kimimaro got them to stay still and wear the diaper.

Kabuto had prepared for Kiba a special tofu turkey, like in 'Everybody Loves Raymond', because he was a vegetarian – he didn't want to eat real turkey even if it was only Sasuke, and no real turkey was harmed.

"What can I say? I like animals," Kiba said when Naruto asked him about it.

The large group of ninja bowed their heads in prayer before digging into the delicious home-cooked meal. "Dear Lord, we thank you for this wonderful meal that Kabuto has worked hard to prepare for us and that you have blessed us with. Amen."

Then they all began to eat, except for Kakashi, who was wearing a mask, and Shikamaru, who was sleeping on top of his plate. Choji ate all of his food, then he ate Kakashi's and Shikamaru's meals, and probably some of the others' by mistake.

Neji shared a random Thanksgiving fact: "The average person will eat thirteen point seven pounds of turkey in his or her lifetime."

"Well, with Kabuto's good cooking, I think I could eat that much in a day. Believe it!" Naruto argued, unknowingly shoveling another piece of Sasuke into his mouth. Kabuto had put so many seasonings on top of Sasuke that it was nearly impossible to tell what they were eating. Noticeably, there was a huge portion missing from Sasuke's body. Orochimaru fainted.

"Stand up," Kabuto whispered to Orochimaru.

Orochimaru meekly stood up and whimpered, but agreed.

"Hey wait, where is Sasuke? Believe it!" Naruto asked, looking around. He pulled up a section of the tablecloth to look under the table. "Sasuke, are you there? Believe it!"

From behind Kakashi's mask, a silent, evil smirk grew on his face. Of course Kakashi knew what had become of Sasuke, but he wasn't going to say anything. He would just order take-out later and avoid being called a cannibal. Then again, Kabuto _could_ make anything look delicious, and maybe Kakashi should torture Sasuke as much as he could before Sasuke went all power-hungry. So what would be the harm in just one little bite? After all, what would Zetsu do?

Neji's final disclaimer: "No turkeys were actually harmed in the making of this chapter."

~ phantom130 5 (October 2010)


	12. Phone Call

**Chapter 12: Phone Call**

On Naruto's birthday, October tenth, Naruto invited a lot of people to his party, and they all showed up. They each brought presents for little Naruto, but there was one present that caught Naruto's eye. It was a phone from Kakashi. At first, Naruto didn't care for the phone; but after a while, it grew on him. He figured that if anything happened to the Third Hokage, then someone may just call Naruto on the phone and ask him to be Hokage. Naruto knew the Hokage was getting old and could try to retire _again_, or even just kick the bucket. And when the old coot did, Naruto would be there to take his job. He believed it. Actually, he _always_ believed it. He just had to keep this phone on him until then.

Days later, Naruto heard a ring on his phone. He wanted to pick it up, but he couldn't find it.

"Phone! Where are you, phone? Believe it!" Naruto called out, whistling as one would call for a lost dog.

He heard it ring again, as if to answer Naruto's call, but that wasn't good enough.

The phone wouldn't come out of hiding.

Naruto's ringtone was some song from "Glee." (I don't watch the show so I can't tell you what the song was.) Eventually, Naruto went outside to look for it, even though the phone was clearly in the house somewhere. Naruto almost _knew_ this call was going to be from the Hokage: he wanted to retire and let Naruto become Hokage! Not many other people called him. So who else could it be? Sasuke? Sakura? Orochimaru? It just didn't seem logical to him.

Naruto soon spotted Tenten. "Hey, Tenten, did you see my phone? Believe it!" Naruto called to her.

Tenten looked puzzled at first, then replied simply, "No."

Naruto sighed. Tenten never was much help. She needed a personality before she could ever be of much use.

Naruto decided to send Ninetails out to look for the phone.

The Pokémon sat patiently waiting for orders.

"Find my phone! It's ringing! Believe it!" Naruto said.

Ninetails tried to sniff out the phone, but with little luck. He ended up wandering into tall grass, and Naruto quickly found himself in a Pokémon battle against an Eevee. (Everyone knows that you can only walk so many steps in tall grass before you're attacked by a Pokémon that may want to kill you.)

After the fight, Naruto decided to look for the phone in Kakashi's house. However, Kakashi told him to get out of his house, and he also asked how Naruto was able to get inside in the first place.

"The back door was unlocked. Believe it!" Naruto replied.

Kakashi facepalmed, then pushed Naruto out of the house, scolding him and telling him never to break into his house again.

It had been a while since breakfast, and Naruto was getting hungry. He decided to go 'look' at some Ichiraku Ramen. He met Choji there. Without any luck, Naruto eventually decided to return home. On the way, he noticed the Hokage without his hat. Naruto instantly jumped to the conclusion that the day had actually come. The Hokage wanted Naruto to take over! Naruto could taste the sweet victory— Wait, no, that wasn't victory; he just forgot to swallow that last ramen noodle.

He was now more motivated than ever to find the phone. Although, little did Naruto know, the Hokage wasn't really willing to retire. He had just sent his hat to the dry cleaners so he could get it washed.

By now, the phone had finished ringing, and Naruto knew he had to have at least one new message, because what jerk doesn't choose to leave a message?

Right before Naruto got home, he was stopped by Hinata.

"Um... N-Naruto–kun..."

"Yes, Hinata? Believe it!"

"Um... Ah... N-Never mind..." Hinata fainted.

_Darn. I was going to ask her if she saw my phone. Believe it!_ Naruto thought.

Naruto loved Hinata like a best friend, but he never understood why she always fainted around him. Did he smell? No. Was he ugly? No. Was he so awesome that Hinata was madly in love with him? Maybe... Well, maybe not, but he still had to admit he was pretty darn awesome, even if Sakura never agreed.

Anyways, when Naruto opened the door to his home, he was surprised to find out that the phone had been in his pocket the whole time. Naruto frowned and let out a long and annoyed sigh. Why hadn't he realized that sooner?

Naruto was tempted to check the message, but he decided to first call the town. He would invite everyone in town over and they could all listen to the message on speaker phone, and everyone would cheer for him!

An hour later, everyone was at Naruto's house, sitting on the couch and waiting for Naruto to play the message.

"Hey, Hokage?"

"Yes, Kakashi?"

"This party is for Naruto becoming Hokage right? I wanted to say have a good retirement."

"Retirement! Silly Kakashi, I'm not retiring; and even if I were I wouldn't let Naruto be Hokage I'd let Tsunade!" Hokage said, rolling his eyes like it should be obvious.

Finally, Naruto opened his phone and pushed 'play' on the message.

From the speakers you could hear Sasuke's voice trying to sound sophisticated and disguised, but also trying hard not to breakdown laughing. "Hey loser, is your refrigerator running? Well, (snicker, snicker) you'd better go catch it!" Then the voice on the phone line broke down, laughing for two minutes straight. Everyone in the room stared at Naruto.

"You gathered us all here to hear _that_?" Kakashi asked, clearly unimpressed.

Naruto sank down into a chair, his face red as a tomato. When Naruto finally recovered from the embarrassment, he walked over to Sasuke and strangled him to death.

"WHY DID YOU PRANK CALL ME? I WAS EXPECTING A CALL FROM THE HOKAGE! BELIEVE IT!" Naruto shouted.

~ phantom130 5 (November 2010)


	13. Mother and Father

**Chapter 13: Mother and Father**

Late at night in the cemetery, a spiky-haired man slowly walked, casting an eerie shadow that followed his path, thanks to some surrounding lanterns. Not far behind him, a woman followed, her long hair swaying from side to side in the wind. They crept past several gravestones, one of which had the name 'Sasuke' engraved into it. When the two adults approached the cemetery exit, the night guard stopped them.

"Who goes there? What are your names?" the guard demanded, going quickly into attack position.

"My name is Minato, also known as the Yellow Flash and the Fourth Hokage. Believe it! And this is my wife, Kushina," the man said.

"Believe it!" Kushina giggled.

The guard fell silent for a moment, then replied with an order: "You two are supposed to be dead. Go back to your grave!"

Minato's back slumped, as did Kushina's. "Darn, I really thought we were alive that time... Believe it," Minato muttered. Slowly, both of Naruto's parents went back into their caskets, where they closed their eyes and stayed for another night.

The following day, Naruto left town to pay his respects to Sasuke. Sasuke had died by trying to get a Frisbee off of Naruto's roof before this chapter began.

Naruto came to the grave carrying roses and placed them down beside Sasuke's tombstone. Sakura and Ino were also there, grieving Sasuke's death. Naruto soon noticed two figures standing close by, seeming to watch all Naruto's movements. Naruto slowly approached the man and the woman.

"Hello there! Believe it!" Naruto said.

"Hush," said the man (Minato). "We're dead, so we can't talk."

"Believe it!" Kushina, the woman, added with a cheery giggle.

Naruto looked at the two figures in shock. Did they just tell him to believe it? Well, that would seem rude and would eventually get annoying after a while of hearing it constantly. How dare they? Who would even say that phrase? Then Naruto realized that he did.

Soon, the family began to talk in 'Believe It' language. The three eventually went into a group hug. Naruto had finally found someone he belonged with! It was almost like they were family. This was the happiest moment of Naruto's life.

Naruto took them by the hand and led them out of the cemetery. When he got home, he sat them down on his couch. Minato found himself stroking Ninetales, while Kushina obsessed over all the mess that was in Naruto's house. Seconds later, Kakashi came to Naruto's house wondering if Naruto wanted to assist him in a mission - helping him beat the new Call of Duty Black Ops.

His eye quickly widened when he noticed Minato.

"S-Sensei?" Kakashi stuttered. "I-I t-thought y-you w-were d-dead! How are you still alive?"

"Oh Kakashi, wow! You've grown. Believe it!" Minato said ignoring Kakashi's question. He gave Kakashi a hug.

"Naruto, you realize who these people are, don't you?" Kakashi asked.

Naruto shook his head. "I just met them today. Believe it!"

"This is the Fourth Hokage and his wife, also known as your parents."

Now it was Naruto and his parents' time to go into shock.

"Naruto, wow, you've grown up so much! I didn't know you were our son," Kushina said. "Believe it!"

"I couldn't tell either," Minato said in awe. "Believe it!"

"Come on guys, Minato and Naruto look so much alike! Besides, who else says 'believe it'?" Kakashi asked.

Once again, no one answered Kakashi. He decided just to let it go and leave, since he wasn't really needed.

In town, Sakura noticed Naruto's parents. The three had a long conversation; and in the end, Sakura was left wondering if everyone in Naruto's family said 'believe it'. They did. Going back as far as the Stone Age, there was a long history of people in Naruto's family who had somehow come up with the phrase 'believe it'. They would even use it when there was nothing at all to believe.

When the Third Hokage met Minato, he quickly took off his hat and offered to retire once again. Naruto quickly took the hat for himself and attempted to run off with it, but Minato stopped him.

"Naruto you can have your time as Hokage when it comes. Believe it!"

Naruto sighed, unsatisfied, but agreed. Parents always know best, after all. Later, the gang sat down with Kakashi and the Hokage for dinner and stories.

"You know, people say Kushina and I are bad parents for not being with Naruto, and for giving our son a powerful Pokémon like Ninetails when Naruto was a baby, but we kept our souls sealed within the Ninetale's Pokéball. If that isn't protective parenting, I don't know what is. Believe it!" Minato said.

Everyone laughed.

"You know, people hated me for the first twelve years of my life. Believe it!" Naruto said.

Once again, everyone laughed.

"It wasn't a joke. Believe it," Naruto said, frowning at everyone.

"Well, the future looks nice, despite our son being hated by his village and now being hunted by the Akatsuki... Believe it!" Kushina said.

"Not to mention what just happened in the manga with Kabuto reviving all those corpses," Hokage added.

Everyone glared at the Third Hokage.

"Spoilers are not nice!" Kakashi yelled.

"Yeah, I haven't read that far yet! Believe it!" Naruto whined.

The Hokage looked down. "Sorry. I just thought since..."

"SHUT UP!" everyone yelled.

The Third Hokage obeyed.

Eventually, the sun began to set. Minato, Kushina, Third Hokage, Kakashi, and Naruto were all outside watching it fall down under the horizon. The Hokage remembered doing this exact same thing, many years ago.

"Well, friends, Kushina and I have to head back to the cemetery. We're dead, you know. Believe it!" Minato said. He started to walk away, and Kushina followed.

"WAIT! I THOUGHT NOTHING COULD KILL THE YELLOW FLASH!" Third Hokage yelled.

Minato laughed. "If nothing could kill me, then why am I dead? Believe it!" Minato asked. Then he and Kushina, like ghosts, disappeared, never to be seen again.

Hokage, Kakashi, and Naruto looked at each other in awe. So were they dead or alive? No one would ever know.

~ phantom130 5 (November 2010)


	14. Naruto Christmas

**Chapter 14: Naruto Christmas**

Hello, kids. Pull up a chair by your computer screen as I tell you a story about how Naruto and some of his friends spent their Christmas. Where to begin... Well, it was around Christmas time, and Naruto was preparing his list for Santa Claus.

Naruto's Christmas List:

Ramen

More Ramen

Even More Ramen (Believe it!)

Become Hokage

Everything was going fine - until that jerk Sasuke stepped into the room and took a look at Naruto's Christmas list.

"You know Santa Claus isn't real, idiot," Sasuke said, using his 'I know everything' type of voice.

"OH YEAH, SASUKE? WELL, I'M GOING TO PROVE YOU WRONG! COME ON, SASUKE, ARE YOU CHICKEN? LET'S MAKE A BET! Believe it!" Naruto shouted, aggravated that Sasuke just tore apart his dream of someday becoming Santa's elf, and the first Hokage elf in ninja history.

"A bet? What kind of bet?" Sasuke asked, a little puzzled.

"We stay in this house all night and wait for Santa; if he doesn't show up, then you win. Believe it!" Naruto said.

"What's in it for me if I win?" Sasuke asked.

Sasuke was a little intrigued at the idea of waiting for Santa, since he had never met the man himself. Personally, Sasuke wanted Naruto to be right for once; but a year ago, Itachi had told him that Santa was nonexistent – that was right before he had "killed his clan". But Sasuke just kept calm with a good 'poker face' and looked at Naruto as he awaited a response.

"Okay, Sasuke, if you win, I won't eat any ramen for a day. Believe it..." Naruto said, looking dejected. For Naruto, he had just made the ultimate sacrifice. He was literally putting everything on the line for this bet.

"No," Sasuke said, looking displeased. "I don't want you to go without ramen, I mean, what good would that be for me? How about if I'm right, you must give me your nine-tailed fox?"

Naruto looked at Sasuke in shock for a moment. "H-How did you know I have the Nine-Tailed Fox Spirit sealed inside me? Believe it!"

"Nine Tailed Fox Spirit?" Sasuke asked. "What are you talking about? I wanted your Pokémon Ninetales."

"Oh, believe it," Naruto said, looking a little embarrassed.

Anyways, time passed; and while we wait to see if Naruto and Sasuke meet Santa Claus, I'd like to read you some letters that some other characters wrote.

Dear Santa Claws,

For Christmas, I'd really like something animal-related, but nothing made of animals. Does that make sense? I'd like to save an animal from going endangered.

Love, Kiba

Kiba later found a certificate saying that he successfully adopted a polar bear and had saved one from dying. (Overall, this was a pretty good cause.)

Since I don't have time to read all the other letters word-for-word, I'll show you what others wanted.

Sakura, Ino & Orochimaru want Sasuke.

Ryuk wants an apple.

Asuma wants "CIGARETTES NOW, OR YOU DIE!"

Choji wants food, food, and MORE FOOD!

Shino wants new friends. (Translation: He wants bugs.)

Hinata wants... "Well, you know. ^/^'"

Gaara wants to destroy the Leaf Village.

Kankuro wants a new sock puppet. (He is the master of sock puppets, after all.)

Temari wants an AC. ("Hurry, the giant fan isn't working!")

Kisame wants Fishy Flakes Fish Food (with real fish flakes).

Neji wants more disclaimers

Tenten wants a personality. (lol Not happening.)

Lastly, Minato wants them to update the Naruto English dub anime! He's worried about his son.

Okay, I guess it's time to move on with the story. We don't want the Spoofing to end up like the Naruto anime, waiting forever to figure out what happens next.

Naruto and Sasuke didn't have to wait long for Santa. In a matter of minutes, there came footsteps on the roof, causing both Naruto and Sasuke to freeze in place.

After a few really painful minutes of watching an old man trying to fit down the very narrow chimney of Naruto's apartment, Naruto and Sasuke both began to wonder how Santa could really break into everyone's home in just one night. So far, it seemed like a really painful and long process for this man to just get down _this_ chimney.

Finally, a man came out! He didn't look anything like Santa, but that didn't matter to Naruto as he ran over to the man and hugged him.

"SANTA, I KNEW YOU WERE REAL! I BELIEVED IT!" Naruto shouted.

The man had a mask covering his face and a forehead protector hiding his left eye. Actually, the only think he had on that even related him to Santa was a red Santa hat. In his hand was a book – was it a book from the Icha-Icha series? No, this book was different. Santa had a Death Note!

"Naruto, get off my leg!" Santa yelled, trying to shake Naruto off of him.

"You aren't Santa!" Sasuke shouted.

"You're right; I'm not!" Santa said with a deranged look in his visible eye. He removed the hat to show his 'true identity'. Naruto and Sasuke both stared at the man in shock. He wasn't Santa at all! He was Kakashi-sensei the whole time!

"I'm sorry, Sasuke, but due to the fact that the majority of 'Naruto Spoofing' fans want you dead, I'm going to have to kill you again. Not that I'm complaining. Truthfully, I actually like this job."

Kakashi opened his book and wrote down Sasuke's name. Since it was Christmas, he wrote beside it 'peaceful death'.

~ phantom130 5 (December 2011)


	15. Trip to Guy's House

**Chapter 15: Trip To Guy's House**

Might Guy is best known for his freakishly large eye brows and his rivalry with Kakashi. He is almost always seen jogging around the town with an obedient Rock Lee following him. Whenever they pass you, they may scream something about youth at you as they run past. Yes, this duo seems unstoppable. But what do you think will happen if we take a closer look into Guy's life?

We'll send our lovely camera man Sasuke as a decoy to look into Guy's house and report any findings.

(Sasuke) "Hello, Phantom and audience reading this. I am coming to you from inside the home of Guy-sensei."

That's cool, Sasuke, but do you see anything interesting in this house?

(Sasuke) "Hmh... I see nothing yet, but I'll keep you up to date. I'm going to check out another room because this room is pretty much empty."

While Sasuke explores more of Guy's house, Kakashi is keeping guard on top of Guy's roof, just in case Guy comes home early from his jog. We will send Kakashi to jump down and challenge Guy to a fight.

(Kakashi) "To be honest, I'd like to have the job of personally exploring the home; but it doesn't matter, as long as Sasuke finds something interesting in Guy's house."

Yes, Sasuke, for once, the world is cheering you on! You have to stay alive on this mission.

(Sasuke) "Alright, for the readers, I'll try to stay aliv—"

Sasuke? Sasuke? Are you there? Darn, I think he died... DARN IT, SASUKE! YOU ALWAYS DO THE THING THAT NO ONE WANTS YOU TO DO! AND THE ONE TIME YOU MUST STAY ALIVE, YOU GO AND DIE! ...Sorry for the caps. I guess we will have to send in the back-up ninja. Going into Guy's house is the awesome and more superior ninja known as Itachi, along with his pet 'land fish' Kisame!

(Itachi) "My pet Kisame has been looking forward to seeing what Guy's home looks like."

(Kisame) "Glub."

Okay, Itachi, so tell me what you see.

(Itachi) "EWW, IT'S A DEAD SASUKE!"

Forget Sasuke. Anything you see?

(Itachi) "Well, I'm moving onto a room that appears to be a kitchen. It's funny: pretty much every food in this room seems healthy. I don't see a fattening food in sight, which is kind of upsetting seeing as I've got a major hankering for chocolate."

(Kisame) "Glub."

Maybe you two can move to another room and tell us if there is anything in there.

(Itachi) "Alright, hold your horses and give me a second."

I bet you're wondering how we got into Guy's house. Am I right? Simple explanation: I'm the writer, and I can do whatever I want! Make sense?

(Itachi) "Oh no! P-Phantom!"

What is it, Itachi?

(Itachi) "T-this r-room! I think I just f-found what you were looking for! In this room, it has a ton of exercise equipment!"

So, Guy exercises. What's your point? We already knew that.

(Itachi) "No, that isn't the half of it. On the ground, there are several corpses. Many of them look like Lee, but some are fairly deformed. It almost looks like he has been trying to clone himself to make a 'younger' and 'more youthful' self. But these all appear to be duds."

Ohhhhhhhh, that explains why Lee and Guy look so much alike! Lee is a clone! That also explains why we've never seen Lee's parents.

(Itachi) "Yeah, but Phantom! It appears I'm in the home of a madman! These experiments look more twisted then Orochimaru's!"

**Neji disclaimer: **Orochimaru takes offence to that remark.

Wow, a twisted yet youthful villain who's worse than Orochimaru! Wow, this has the makings of a great crime drama!

**Neji disclaimer: **Orochimaru is still offended and is waiting for an apology. He doesn't believe his experiments are twisted. He just likes curse-mark muffins.

(Kakashi) "Guys, you need to hurry and get out. Guy and Lee are coming home fast, and I'm not sure how long I'll be able to hold the two up. Itachi, escape from the back door and take Sasuke's corpse out with you."

(Itachi) "Eww, Sasuke germs!"

(Kakashi) "Get over it, Itachi. As long as Sasuke is dead, you're the 'last Uchiha,' so stop acting like a five-year-old girl and start acting like an Uchiha!"

(Itachi) "Why don't you just make Sasuke live again? You _can_ do it, can't you?"

(Kakashi) "Nah, I don't feel like it."

(Itachi) "Jerk."

While Kakashi hopefully battles Guy, and as Kisame, Itachi, and Sasuke escape, I need to come up with some clever way to capture Guy and bring him to justice. He is obviously insane and doesn't deserve to be in this town. But how...? I know! Shikamaru's often smart - maybe we can ask him!

(Shikamaru) "..."

I see! Shikamaru is sleeping; so therefore, he says we should just sleep, and everything will be good when we wake up. Shikamaru, I love your logic! Well, I'm going to sleep. This is phantom130 5 signing out and saying good night, world!

~ phantom130 5 (December 2010)


	16. Kakashi's Death Note

**Chapter 16: Kakashi's Death Note**

**Thank you, Dragon-WolfTamer for the idea of this chapter - hope you enjoy :)**

**Additional thanks to: ****SasuTenLuvr, & Ninjapirate101**

Kakashi felt bored today. What to do, what to do? This wasn't the usual boredom. Kakashi felt in the mood to test his death note out more. This would be a contest to see who would be the last one alive.

In Haku and Zabuza's hideout, Gato had an announcement.

"Guys, for years, I've carried a fear of falling off of a bridge, but I have that fear no more! Tonight I'm going to try to break that fear and spend the night on a bridge. I know I won't fall off!"

Haku and Zabuza both clapped their enthusiasm for Gato's plan.

As soon as Gato left the secret hideout, Haku turned to Zabuza.

"Do you think Gato will be safe on the bridge tonight?" Haku asked.

Zabuza shrugged "I don't know, boy."

The next day, Gato was announced to be dead. As it turned out he somehow fell off the bridge. It seemed he had a reason to fear the bridge all along.

Zabuza looked over at Swordy, who was sitting on a nearby chair. Swordy looked so lonely and cold. Zabuza eventually came to a conclusion that Swordy needed a hug and went over to Swordy. Next thing Zabuza knew, he was dead. I guess this was how it would end for Zabuza: he had been betrayed by his lifelong and trusted friend named Swordy.

**Neji's side note: The very next day, Zabuza was featured on the show "Fatal Attractions."**

As for Haku, he couldn't picture a world without Zabuza, so he made several weapons out of ice and used them to kill himself.

Meanwhile, Team Guy was training. Lee and Guy were fighting one on one while Tenten and Neji watched. They saw the whole thing. Both Guy and Lee started becoming more 'youthful' until they both had so much 'youth' that they just disappeared.

Tenten and Neji were found dead later, too. Their causes of death were written like so:

'Neji Hyuga: cause of death - 'lack of abundant disclaimers in this series.'

'Tenten: cause of death - 'lack of personality and last name.'

Elsewhere, Choji was watching over Shikamaru. He didn't look very well; he was fast asleep, but becoming weaker and weaker as time went on. Choji wasn't a doctor, but he believed it was because Shikamaru hadn't eaten in what really was forever. Feeling sympathy for the weak man, Choji held out some fried chicken as an offering. hoping Shikamaru would take some. But he didn't; Shikamaru was still asleep.

After a few minutes of trying unsuccessfully to fit the chicken into Shikamaru's mouth, Choji grew fed up and just ate all the chicken himself. Unfortunately, Choji died of over-eating, and Shikamaru died shortly after from under eating.

Kimimaro was walking around when he came across a cute yet playful puppy dog named Akamaru. Kimimaro stopped only for a bit to pet the dog; then he realized that he was bone, and Akamaru was a dog. Kimimaro began to run as Akamaru chased him around town for a few minutes. Soon Kiba came to the scene and tried to break up the fight, but he was soon killed in the mess. Kimimaro died shortly after Kiba at the hand, or paw, of Akamaru. Then Akamaru died. It turned out that Kimimaro's bones were tipped with poison.

Sakura and Ino fought for Sasuke's affection and ended up killing each other.

Orochimaru tried to capture Sasuke by sending out his pet snake Hisses, but Hisses accidently swallowed Sasuke. This angered Orochimaru, and he yelled at Hisses. Hisses became aggravated and so swallowed Orochimaru as well. Hisses also later died for no reason whatsoever.

Kurenai got in a fight on a mission and found herself trapped in her own genjutsu where she couldn't escape. She eventually died. Her last words were addressed to Asuma, begging him to cut back on smoking because it may kill him. Asuma didn't listen, and died shortly after.

Itachi was driving to work when he realized he hadn't fed Kisame that day. Itachi was so worried about Kisame that he had a heart attack and died.

At home, Kisame said, "Glub," and died as well.

Socko ended up going Chucky on Kankuro, killing Kankuro.

Shino was trying to catch a new 'friend' for his collection of 'friends,' but he fell off of a cliff.

The Third Hokage died because he was too old and never retired. Before he died, he just wanted to do one last old man thing – and that was to yell at a teenager to get a haircut.

Gaara tried to launch an attack on the Leaf, but he miscalculated the location of the Leaf and found himself in the Akatsuki's hideout.

Temari died from a heat stroke.

Kabuto tried to bake cookies, but his oven exploded and Kabuto died too.

At this point, things seemed over. Everyone was dead except for two ninja that Kakashi had forgotten about.

Any idea who? Stay tuned! Kakashi's new world has been created.

L spun in his chair, a fork in his mouth, thinking over his next plan of action. There was obviously a new Kira in a different part of the world – a Kira who had killed off almost an entire town.

Kira was the nickname the public had given to the person or group of people possessing this power that would allow him or her to take over the world. Who was this Kira's identity, though? If only L knew, then he could investigate Kira further - and capture him or her. The only risk was that L didn't yet know what made this killer so powerful. He killed almost a whole town in the matter of _one_ day. This case still didn't have much opening... He would have to visit this world called Naruto and find a way to further his odds of catching Kira without being killed himself.

Meanwhile, Kakashi was relaxing at home. Ryuk was beside him, munching on an apple.

"Wow, Kakashi, I'm impressed with how well you killed your friends. Now I want to know, what will you do next? Will you retire the Death Note? Nobody is left, so there is no way you can ever live a 'normal life' again," Ryuk said

"No, I just killed them because I'm bored. I'm bringing everyone back when this chapter is over with. Besides, there are still two people I left alone," Kakashi replied.

Ryuk chuckled. "I see. You remind me of a certain person I use to know: Light. He didn't have the Shinigami eye like you do, but then again, me and Light weren't together for very long before he met you. At the time, Kira had just begun to get popular, and Light had only killed criminals that he saw on TV or online. Soon Light met you, and you killed Light with Lightning Blade and stole his Death Note, thus gaining the Death Note's powers and abilities to see Shinigami like me."

"To be honest, I only took the book because I was hoping it was the next volume of the Icha Icha series," Kakashi said in a mater-of-fact tone.

Ryuk looked at Kakashi, a little worried. "Would you really go that far for Icha Icha?"

"Yes," Kakashi said without a doubt.

Meanwhile, the last humans in the Naruto world walked the town together hand-in-hand: Naruto and Hinata.

"Is it just me, Naruto, or is the town quieter than usual?" Hinata asked.

Naruto listened for a moment. "I don't know, Hinata, but maybe Sasuke would. Believe it!"

Hinata agreed, and Naruto and Hinata headed to Sasuke's house. On the way, the world seemed dead. There wasn't a single human in sight.

When Naruto and Hinata got to Sasuke's house, they rang the door bell several times but no one answered. Naruto shrugged. "I guess Sasuke must be already dead. Believe it!"

Hinata held on tightly to Naruto's arm. "N-Naruto, I-I'm s-scared; s-something d-doesn't seem right."

Naruto hugged Hinata tightly. "Don't worry, Hinata! I promise I'll protect you with my life and I won't let anyone hurt you. Believe it!"

Hinata smiled, her mind put at ease. Normally Hinata would faint, but she wouldn't let herself today. She was going to make Naruto love her.

"T-Thank y-you, Naruto," Hinata said.

"Besides, if anything extremely bad happens in our world, I'm sure we could always move to 'Bleach.' Believe it!" Naruto added.

L normally didn't show his face in public. More often, he would get his handler Watari to do shopping and stuff for him, so L would never have to leave his home. L lived his life hidden away, and that was the way he liked it. So it made L feel a little uncomfortable to walk outside and head to The Naruto Spoofing World. Watari wasn't with him either, so L would be one hundred percent vulnerable to any sort of attack. However, L's mind was made up: even if it meant his death, he would identify Kira, find out how he kills people, and bring him to justice.

Soon, L stumbled upon someone cowardly hiding under a bridge. It was Gato. (How he escaped the Death Note, no one will ever know.)

"T-This w-world – it's coming to an end! I've seen the deaths of everyone, all my friends!" Gato shouted, not noticing that L was behind him, listening to every word.

Could this man be Kira? No. L decided that there was only a one percent chance that he was Kira. But just in case, L would have to talk to the man and see if he could make him confess.

L and Gato talked through the past events in the village, and L dropped his suspicions of Gato being Kira. Gato admitted that he did have a strange feeling to face his fear head-on and head toward a bridge, but besides that, he was safe. He wasn't dead yet, but somehow others around him were. Even Haku and Zabuza could not escape this force that was killing people.

L let Gato in on his theory that Kira may be able to control people's actions right before killing them. Gato seemed to be an odd exception, unless Gato was not actually controlled by Kira. Gato seemed to believe that he was the odd exception because he was such a minor character in Naruto. Kira may have forgotten about him and maybe Gato was never under Kira's control and it was just a coincidence.

L and Gato both smiled in satisfaction with what they believed. They would be an unlikely team-up, but together they knew they would solve the case.

L managed to eventually gather a small army of people that were willing to join the task force – 'small army' as in he found Tenten to help out him and Gato. It appeared that Tenten never really died either; she just wasn't special enough to be killed. L figured that, like Gato, Tenten was another character that was so minor that the killer just forgot about her. The three heroes teamed up to form their own task force called 'The Island of Misfit Toys.'

Meanwhile, Kakashi had given up his days of killing (for now), and he sat in a dark room watching his favorite show (Pokémon) and drinking his favorite drink (root beer). Ryuk was sitting beside Kakashi, loudly eating an apple.

"So um, Kakashi, when are we going to kill some more?" Ryuk asked.

"I don't think we can... As far as I can remember, we're alone," Kakashi replied.

"Oh," Ryuk said.

Then there was a sudden knock on Kakashi's door. Ryuk couldn't help but laugh.

"Kakashi, I thought you said we were alone," Ryuk said between bursts of laughter.

"I thought we were too," Kakashi replied as he looked through the peephole in the door. He quickly jumped back with a scream as he saw another eye trying to look through the other end of the peephole back at him.

The figure jumped back, obviously surprised to hear Kakashi's scream. In a moment, Kakashi could identify Naruto and Hinata.

Hinata put her arm around Naruto, and you could see her mouthing something along the lines of "Don't do that, Naruto." Then Naruto look down and muttered the words "I'm sorry, believe it!"

'How did I forget to kill off those two?' Kakashi thought. 'For crying out loud, the show is named _Naruto_!'

Kakashi finally opened the door, and Naruto came running inside. Hinata slowly and shyly stepped in, too. Ryuk watch the three from a distance (no one but Kakashi could see him).

"Kakashi-sensei," Naruto shouted, "it's an emergency! Everyone is dead but me you and Hinata! Believe it!"

"Don't worry, Naruto," Kakashi said. "No one is gone forever. I just wanted a little bit of peace and quiet. You know, so I don't have to put up with people like you, Guy, and Sasuke all the time."

"Wh-why? Believe it!" Naruto asked.

"I don't know, just after sixteen chapters of me putting up with you guys, it's finally starting to get annoying," Kakashi explained.

"Y-You are pretty annoying Naruto-kun." Hinata said.

Naruto gave Hinata a slight angry stare, and Hinata quickly looked away. "Just for that we're not going to repopulate the earth together! Believe it!"

"Well," Kakashi said, lazily stretching, "if you really want to help me out, you can do me a favor by getting my groceries."

He handed Hinata a long grocery list. "Don't worry; the owner of the shop should already be dead, so it won't matter if you steal this stuff." Then he casually shoved Naruto and Hinata out of the house and slammed the door before they could argue.

"That sucks. It looks like we are now his helpers. Believe it!" Naruto muttered to Hinata, and Hinata nodded in agreement.

After picking up everything on Kakashi's grocery list but before heading back home, Naruto remembered a promise he had made to Hinata a long time ago about treating her to Ichiraku ramen eventually. It had been so long since he made that promise that he forgot why he owed her ramen, but he decided it was finally time to own up on that promise. (Keep in mind he is treating her to free ramen, because the ramen guy Teuchi is dead. In other words, Naruto is being cheap. XD)

On the way, Naruto and Hinata found themselves crossing paths with L, Tenten, and Gato.

"Hi, Naruto and Hinata!" Tenten and Gato both shouted at the same time, waving their hands.

Naruto and Hinata both ran up to their friends hugged them and said their hellos back as L watched.

'These four ninja are friends? I wonder if the blond-haired boy and blue-haired girl know anything about Kira,' L thought.

"Do you know anything about Kira?" L asked.

"Who?" Naruto and Hinata both asked at the same time. Naruto, of course, added "believe it!" at the end.

"Well you see, there have been a ton of mysterious deaths around here lately, and we believe that all these deaths may relate to someone we call Kira. Tenten, Gato, and I are a group devoted to figuring out Kira's identity and bringing him to justice," L explained. "So do you know anything?"

Naruto was about to open his mouth to speak, but Hinata flashed him a quick look that said 'We really shouldn't rat out Kakashi, even if it is the right thing to do.' And Naruto agreed. He hated it almost as much as Hinata did; but for now, Hinata, Kakashi, and Naruto were all in this mess together.

"Nope, sorry; believe it!" Naruto said.

"Okay, thank you for your time," L said as he and his team walked away.

"You're welcome, believe it!" Naruto replied.

'Hm... Why does this boy always say "believe it"? It is fishy because it seems like he always wants me to believe his stories, whether they're true or not. I am. 1% sure he could possibly be a Kira suspect,' L thought as he and his team walked off.

Naruto and Hinata quickly returned to see Kakashi and try to convince him to bring everyone back before he got caught. However, Kakashi did not want to hear it. Instead, Kakashi decided he was going to offer this guy, L, a little more help (for Kakashi's amusement) by reviving the single person that you wouldn't expect Kakashi to revive in his life. This person was none other than... _Sasuke_.

I can't believe we still have yet to find any real clues," Gato said.

"Yeah, at this point, it stumps me that the whole town is dead and we don't even know the murder weapon!" L said.

L and Gato were sitting in an old building that belonged to Haku and Zabuza, plotting their plan of action. The building roof leaked and the floor creaked (and I just rhymed), but for now it was the only place they could stay. Tenten then walked into the room, carrying the doughnuts that L had asked her to buy for him.

"You can stay in my home, instead of this dump," Tenten offered. "No offence, Gato."

"No, your house lacks... personality, so we'll have to stay at this dump," L said. He bit down into a sugar filled doughnut. "No offence, Gato."

"I'm right here!" Gato snapped. "Wait until I'm out of the room before talking about my house like this."

Suddenly, a loud knock came at the door, causing L and the others to look up in shock.

Gato walked over to the front door and opened it. To his surprise, it was a boy with a blue shirt, black hair, and black eyes. Sasuke.

"Hey, Gato, I hope you don't mind, but I need to use the bathroom. I seem to have locked myself out of my house again, and it feels like I haven't moved for a long time." Sasuke said, uncomfortably bouncing in the doorway.

Before Gato could answer, Sasuke dashed past him, running straight towards the closest bathroom. He only paused briefly to politely say "Hello" to Tenten and L.

When Gato sat back down with L and Tenten, L tilted his head to look at Gato. "That's weird... I thought we already established that that boy was dead."

The others nodded in agreement.

"Maybe we should question him," Tenten suggested; the others agreed. When Sasuke came out of the bathroom, they sat him down for questioning.

"So Sasuke, weren't you dead about an hour ago, or were you just playing possum?" L asked.

"Good question," Sasuke mused. "Well I was constantly slipping in and out of life and death, for at least sixteen chapters now. So by now, it's kind of hard for me to tell if I'm alive or dead."

"I see." L said. He whispered to Gato and Tenten, "Poor guy, I think he's delusional."

"Sasuke, can you say the alphabet backwards?" L asked, returning to the boy in front of him.

Inside Kakashi's dark room, locked in a small bathroom, an insane Kakashi lay on the floor reading his _Icha Icha Paradise_ book, laughing hysterically. On the floor outside the bathroom, Naruto and Hinata lay dead. Kakashi had officially been consumed with power. He was now insane. Curiously, Ryuk watched Kakashi. Kakashi had obviously gone even more insane than Light had.

"You know, I want to look at your book. I need to know why you like it so much that you would kill off everyone close to you," Ryuk said. He made his way closer to Kakashi, but Kakashi held the book out of Ryuk's reach.

"No, Shinigami, back off!" he said.

"No, let me read."

"Back off!"

"No, let me read."

And so on, until Ryuk finally swiped the book from Kakashi and began to read the first page out loud.

_Kakashi calmly walked up to greet his new teammates, he calmly waved, and said, "Hello, I'm Kakashi Hatake; I will be your teacher from now on."_

_The new Squad 7 was at the training field. Naruto, Sasuke, and Sakura were sitting side by side in front of Kakashi on three logs in the training field. They were all equally excited to greet their new Jonin teacher. He was going to take the three ninja out on several dangerous ninja missions._

_"Eww, it's a mask! Are you a killer? Believe it!" Naruto shouted, making a face._

_Before Kakashi could answer, Sasuke asked with an evil smirk, "Do you think my brother Itachi should die?"_

_Sakura swooned and squealed, "Isn't Sasuke just so hot!"_

_Kakashi sighed at the stupidity of his new students' questions. He'd only known them for three seconds, and already they'd failed to impress him..._

_"Sorry, but my answer to all your questions is no. Especially yours, Sakura; the only people that like Sasuke are annoying fangirls like you and Ino."_

Ryuk turned and gave Kakashi a weird look, "Hey, this isn't _Icha Icha Paradise_; these are the first few chapters of the 'Naruto Spoofing'... You just took the cover from _Icha Icha Paradise_and mixed it with pages from 'Naruto Spoofing'!"

Kakashi's head lowered in shame.

"Let me get this straight. You would rather be thought of as a total pervert than a fan of that 'Naruto Spoofing'?" Ryuk asked.

Kakashi slowly nodded.

"Well, I guess that explains the hysterical laughter and why you never want to read your book out loud." Ryuk said..

"Now that my secret is out, I guess I should revive everyone..." Kakashi sighed.

Meanwhile, Tenten, Gato, and Sasuke had a man tied up. The man had blond hair similar to Deidara's, a black cloak, and an oddly-shaped sword.

"We captured Kira!" the three cheered in sync.

"Fools!" L shouted. "That the wrong _Kira_; that's Izuru Kira from Bleach!"

Suddenly, L's eyes widened as, one by one, everyone who died in this chapter began to slowly stand up and stretch (with the exception of Shikamaru, who was already alive, but asleep and being glomped by MissFaerieKaiti).

L looked around for a minute in awe. Everyone that was once dead was now surrounding him. L stomped his foot down.

"That's it; I quit this Kira case!" L said, storming off.

"Hey guys, party at my house," Itachi announced after L was gone.

Everyone cheered; then everyone, including Izuru, rocked the night away to Michael Jackson.

~ phantom130 5 (December 2010)


	17. Iruka's School on how to be a Ninja

**Chapter 17: Welcome to Iruka's School on how to be a Ninja**

**Thanks to ****MissFaerieKaiti for betaing for me so long. You've been a great beta. :)**

**Sorry guys if you're confused. I ended up rewriting a few chapters and deleting others so sorry if you're confused. This chapter is actually a repost, but I added more to the end of it. The first seven chapters have also been added onto.**

Iruka sat at his desk grading papers. Pretty soon his class would come in and he would be starting his lesson; the topic was How to be a Ninja.

The bell rang, signaling everyone that class was about to begin. Iruka went over to the classroom door and unlocked it. Naruto was the first to come in. He smiled at Iruka and handed his teacher an apple. Iruka returned the smile and pointed Naruto toward his seat.

Sasuke came in next, followed closely by his fangirls Sakura Ino, and the rest of the young ninja in the Naruto series.

"Well, I see we have a full class today," Iruka said with a smile as his eyes roamed the class, student to student.

Iruka walked over to an old projector that was hooked up to a laptop and turned it on, revealing a PowerPoint presentation.

The words "How to be a Ninja" were written in big letters on a big blank screen that the projector was broadcasting onto.

"Now, who can tell me what it means to be a ninja?" Iruka asked.

"Killing people! Believe it" Naruto shouted.

"Being killed," Sasuke suggested.

"Zabuza," Haku said.

An anime sweat drop rolled down Iruka's forehead. "Well, I suppose being a ninja can mean those things, but that wasn't the answer I was looking for." He made the presentation go to the next slide. It was a picture of their village, and you could see the faces of several children from the village. "Being a ninja means you can protect these guys. They are the next generation of our village," Iruka said.

"Oh," the class said in unison.

Then Kiba raised his hand and patiently waited for Iruka to call his name.

"Yes, Kiba?" Iruka asked.

"This is sort of off-topic, but I was wondering. Does your computer happen to have Internet?"

"Um..." Before Iruka could fully answer Kiba's question, the wolf boy pushed him aside and opened up Iruka's Internet explorer.

"Sorry Iruka-sensei, I want to quickly check how my Webkinz are doing," Kiba said apologetically as he searched 'Webkinz' on the computer.

**Neji disclaimer: "Webkinz never asked to be mentioned in this story; Kiba just felt like shouting them out on his own."**

"No, Kiba, go back to your seat!" Iruka said, standing up.

"One second," Kiba said, waiting for the site to open up. It was taking forever to load. (Too bad Iruka doesn't have Chrome lol)

"No, Kiba, sit down now or I'm buzzing the office!"

"Fine," Kiba grumped, closing the site and sitting back down.

Iruka put the presentation back up. In a bullet point, it said that a ninja's mission was to protect the kids of the Leaf (Like Iruka had said earlier).

Then he clicked it again and the screen changed. The word 'Jutsu' was across the top of the screen.

"Now, who can tell me the types of jutsu?" Iruka asked.

Hinata raised her hand to answer, but when Iruka called on her, she got last minute stage fright. She fainted due to the pressure of having to answer.

Iruka let out a sigh. "Can two of you escort Hinata to the office?"

Naruto looked at his buddy Sasuke. "Hey, wanna help Hinata? Believe it!"

"Not really," Sasuke said.

"Well, too bad. Believe it!" Naruto said as he raised his own hand and Sasuke's.

"Okay, Naruto and Sasuke, please escort Hinata to the office," Iruka said.

Naruto and Sasuke walked down the hall, each holding up a part of the fainted Hinata. At one point, Hinata woke up; but upon seeing both Naruto and Sasuke carrying her, she fainted once again.

"I can't believe you brought me into this," Sasuke said with disgust.

"Why? Believe it!" Naruto asked.

"Well first off, Hinata is _your_ girlfriend! I mean, Sasu/Hina doesn't even make any sense," Sasuke pointed out.

"I always liked Kiba/Hina. Believe it!" Naruto said.

"Yeah, that pairing's cute, but imagine Oro/Hina." Sasuke shuddered at his crack pairing. Naruto shuddered too, and then both broke into laughter. They wondered if anyone actually supported that pairing.

When Naruto and Sasuke arrived at the office, they were immediately greeted by the school's nurse Kabuto, who promised to check on Hinata ASAP. First, however, he was more interested in Sasuke. He took out a magnifying glass and began to study Sasuke from head to toe.

"I'm sorry to tell you this, Sasuke, but you are in critical condition," Kabuto said.

"What? What can I do to live?" Sasuke asked nervously.

Kabuto handed Sasuke a pamphlet. "Read this; it will tell you everything you need to do," he explained.

Sasuke looked at the pamphlet closely. On the cover, it showed Kimimaro. It said, "So you want to become a vessel?" The pamphlet went on to say that Orochimaru was awesome, and that becoming a vessel would change his life for the better.

It also said that Orochimaru was in dire need of an Uchiha vessel; and if you wanted to join you should contact your local Sound ninja now.

"You know, I'm a Sound ninja," Kabuto nonchalantly added once Sasuke had finished reading.

"No, Kabuto, I don't trust you," Sasuke said. "I know I'm not really sick - this is one of your tricks to get me to join you!"

"No it isn't!" Kabuto said, sounding offended.

"Oh yea...?" Sasuke started to say. But before he could finish his point, he fell to the ground.

"He should have listened to me," Kabuto said with a shrug before trying to wake up Hinata.

Naruto returned to the classroom a few minutes later to hear Iuka continue to lecture his class. He pointed at a slide on the PowerPoint.

"Remember ninja must be stealthy so that's why we wear clothing that blends us in with the wild. See my vest? It's green just like grass."

"If your vest is supposed to serve as camouflage how come we don't get one?" Chōji asked while nibbling on the end of his pencil. (Food isn't allowed in the classroom, but Chōji is so addicted that he must be chewing on something always.)

"Well of course there's a simple explanation to that." Iruka said seeming embarrassed.

"Which is?" Chōji and a few others asked in unison.

"... We just don't care what happens to you lower ranks. We like to force you lower ranks to dress up in ridiculous colors like orange and pink and have bets on whether or not you will live to the next episode. I know that sounds bad, but it's actually really fun! We have odds for each one of you!"

"Sweet!" Naruto cheered while banging his hands on the table. "I want in! How do I get in? What are the odds for me? Believe it!"

Iruka frowned and tapped his chin. "Let's see ... Last I saw, for you Naruto ... the odds of you making it to the next episode are stacked against you ninety-nine to one."

"What?" Naruto cried, nearly falling out of his seat. "How can the odds be against me? Aren't I the main character? Believe it!"

"You are the main character." Iruka said sheepishly. "And I don't know how you do it, but you always live to the next episode ... maybe that's why I'm so far in debt now ... Anyways, enough about gambling! Let's move on to the next part of the lesson!"

Iruka pushed down on the slide again and a list of all the clans appeared. "As you can see our village and all the others have many different clans. We're all from a clan and specialize in our own individual jutsu or chakra natures."

"Which clan am I from?" Tenten asked with wide sparkling eyes.

"I'm afraid you're not from a clan Tenten." Iruka said casually. "No one really cared enough to try to give you a last name."

"Don't worry Tenten you can join my clan." Rock Lee said.

"Great, I'm in the ... what is it ... Rock clan?" Tenten questioned.

"Yes I am from the clan of the Rock!" Lee cheered. "Either that or I am from the clan of the Lee! But the Lee is only me ... Iruka, what clan am I from?"

Iruka shrugged. "How on earth am I supposed to know?"

Shino glomped onto Lee from the desk behind. "Don't worry Clint, you can join my clan!"

**Neji disclaimer #2: "I don't think joining clans works like this."**

Iruka pushed another button down on the PowerPoint and it shut down. "Looks like those are all the ninja basics. I was hoping to have Mizuki – Sensei in to teach you guys some more, but he's sort of ... in prison right now. So ... um ... I brought in someone else. Please give a warm welcome to Jiraiya!"

A small toad hopped into the classroom and sat up front. He stood there for a long moment, not moving, his large round eyes staring at your soul, mentally eating it.

"Isn't he going to talk?" Ino finally asked.

"Sorry, Jiraiya's a little shy. He gets like that in sage mode." Iruka explained. "Come on Jiraiya talk." Iruka pleaded, getting down on the toad's level. After more silence, he held Jiraiya up and spoke in a high pitched voice, pretending to be the toad. "Remember class, stay in school, eat your vegetables, and avoid reading crack fics that turn your brain to mush."

The class was silent for a moment and Iruka worried no one bought it, but the room quickly filled with clapping.

"Pervy Sage is so smart! Believe it!" Naruto cheered.

"I promise I will always stay away from crack fics." Kiba added.

"And I'll definitively eat my vegetables!" Chōji cheered with watery eyes.

This was the best news he heard all day. He leaned over and pulled Lee (who was beginning to look like a vegetable) away from Shino. Shino gave Chōji an angry glare but was too polite to bug him. (Bug pun intended.)

Iruka let out a sigh of relief. His class had bought it after all. The bell rang and Iruka dismissed the class. All in all today had been a pretty good day. Living in the world of the Spoofing was pretty interesting.

He wondered what other adventures awaited him in the next chapter. Was he even going to be in the next chapter? Sadly, it may be a while since we hear from our favorite ramen eating teacher again, but that doesn't matter, because we know where to find him: at Iruka's School on how to be a Ninja!

**~ phantom130 5 (April 2013)**


	18. A Story about Tenten

**Chapter 18: A Story about Tenten**

For as long as I can remember I've always wanted to write a chapter about Tenten. One day I had Sasuke follow Tenten around the town just to see what would happen. Sadly, nothing exciting ever happens to Tenten so there will be no story; the end. (Insert troll-face here)

**~ phantom130 5 (April 2013)**


	19. My Name is Sasuke

**Chapter 19: My Name is Sasuke**

Today's chapter starts off with Naruto and Sasuke sitting under a tree. The two boys sat together reading a chapter from the Naruto manga. They had just made it to the scene where Sasuke fought Itachi and neither boy could believe the outcome.

"I can't believe this! Believe it!" Naruto said.

"I know! Itachi's dead! Isn't it great?" Sasuke cheered.

"No, it isn't that! I mean I can't believe how much of a jerk you've become in Shippuden! I mean first Orochimaru, then Deidara, and now Itachi! Who will you kill next? Believe it!"

"Look, Deidara killed himself! Don't blame me for that!"

"Sasuke, have you ever heard of a thing called karma? Believe it!"

"No, what's that? Some sort of candy?"

"Basically it's the belief that if you do good you'll have good things done back to you, but if you do bad then bad things will happen. Believe it!"

"How's that relate to me?"

"If you don't change your ways soon then you'll have a whole lot of bad karma. Believe it!"

Sasuke gulped. "You mean there can actually be a worse fate than having phantom130 5 kill me and bring me back in every chapter?"

Naruto nodded. "Look I've seen this on TV. We can stop your bad karma. I just want you to write a list with all the people you've done wrong and we'll visit them and make it right! Believe it!"

Sasuke still looked skeptical. "I don't know Naruto. This seems oddly a little too easy. Are you sure you can trust a TV show?"

"Now, now Sasuke, when has TV ever done you wrong? Just do as I say and I promise that you won't be disappointed. Believe it!"

Sasuke and Naruto knocked on the door of Itachi's house. Like Naruto had suggested, Sasuke was carrying a letter about all the things that he had done to wrong Itachi; it was a hundred pages. Itachi opened the door. He did not seem amused to see his brother.

"Good morning big brother." Sasuke said, forcing a clearly fake smile.

Itachi snickered. "What are you doing here younger brother? Are you here to try to kill me again? Because, you already did that. Remember chapter 394?"

Sasuke nodded. "Actually that's why I'm here, but not to kill you! I wanted to apologize. I realize I've been a jerk lately and want to change my ways!"

Itachi rolled his eyes. "I don't believe you."

"No, I swear, I'm a changed man!" Sasuke pleaded. He pulled out the list. "You see I made this list and I'm trying to make my karma good again!"

"I got the idea from a TV show! Believe it!" Naruto added cheerfully.

Itachi swiped the list and flipped through the first few pages. "You're sorry about posting that video on YouTube of me dancing like Tom Cruise?"

Naruto burst out laughing before Sasuke could say anything. Sasuke shrugged.

"… Not really, because that video was funny! But I added it to the list, because Naruto told me to add everything bad I did."

Itachi put his hands to his face. Was he crying? It was hard to tell, but Sasuke and Naruto were confident that he was.

"That video ruined my life." Itachi said. "Everyone who has seen it sees me as an idiot. That's why I killed the clan."

"I thought you killed the clan, because they all forgot your birthday. Believe it!" Naruto said.

"That too." Itachi said.

"I'm to blame for that too." Sasuke said sheepishly. "I messed with everyone's calendar so that they thought your birthday was a day later than it really was."

Itachi's jaw dropped. "... And you thought I was evil?"

"You are!" Sasuke shouted. "You killed my clan!"

"You made people forget my birthday and then posted an embarrassing YouTube video of me!"

"You know what Itachi; yo mama's so ugly that Kakashi lost an eye just by looking at her!"

"Well Sasuke, yo mama's so ugly that the ANBU made her join, just so they could make her wear a mask."

"Well yo mama's so fat, that when Hidan licked her blood he swore it tasted like Ragu!"

"Guys, you have the same mama! Believe it!" Naruto said.

"Oh yeah." Both boys said in unison.

Later, Naruto sat with Sasuke on the couch in Itachi's house. Kisame strode into the room on all fours and rested his massive shark-man body on Naruto's lap. Naruto, a little frightened, timidly pet the creature.

"What a good … whatever you are. Believe it!" He said.

"He's a land fish." Sasuke explained dryly, "Mom and dad bought him as a pre-clan killing present. They never get me anything."

"It's pretty neat, but why does it have to be so big? Believe it!" Naruto asked, as he struggled to sit up under the Kisame's weight.

"Itachi has always liked his pets human shaped. He says they're more fun to hug that way."

Itachi walked into the room carrying three cups of coffee. He handed them out to Naruto and Sasuke, before taking his glass and sitting down at an arm-chair across from the boys.

"So what can we do for you?" Sasuke asked coldly.

"Well if you must know, I'm planning to give dad a really late Father's Day gift …" Itachi started, but Sasuke cut him off.

"Dad's dead."

"No, he's not. He's upstairs watching TV I told you our clan just faked our death, because we wanted to avoid you."

"Seems reasonable. Believe it!" Naruto said.

"Shut up Naruto!" Sasuke snapped.

"May I go on?" Itachi asked.

"Please do." Naruto and Sasuke said in unison.

"Well dad really likes red roses, but Ino's shop only had white ones so …"

"Let me guess, you're painting the roses red." Sasuke said with an eye roll.

"Yeah! How'd you know?"

"Let's just say I saw the Disney movie."

"Oh … So can you paint them for me? If you don't it's off with your head!"

"Sasuke would be happy to! Believe it!" Naruto cheered.

"Shut up Naruto!" Sasuke retorted, "It really depends, what's in it for me?"

Itachi shrugged. "What do you want?"

"I want my choice of music to play while I work and to be allowed to stick around for dinner to see my parents again."

Itachi gave a teasing smirk, "Sounds fine by me. I have all sorts of CD's. What would you like to hear? Are you still into _Barney_, or _The Wiggle_s, because I'm sure mommy still has those CD's stored upstairs somewhere for her darling little Sasuke-kun."

"Shut up!" Sasuke yelled back, "I'm not a kid anymore!"

"Oh yeah?" Itachi asked, still smiling, "Well name an artist and I'll see if we have it on your favorite _Kids Pop _CDs. I've got to warn you though; I'm not as familiar with some of the new kid's music. I listen to adult songs." Sasuke scowled, but didn't reply, so Itachi went on, "Go on, name someone. Anyone."

"You want an artist?" Sasuke yelled, finally finding the words he wanted. "Okay, how about a new best selling group called _Die Itachi Die_; do you have any of that? You must have heard of them. They didn't become popular untilyou became_ such a big jerk!_"

_Neji's____disclaimer:____Die Itachi Die, isn't a real band or at least I don't think it is. The creator of this Spoofing didn't do the research before writing that line in._

Itachi snorted. He tried to make it look like his brother's insult hadn't bothered him, but his mischievous smile faded.

"Oh yeah? I'm afraid we don't own anything by that band, but maybe you'll like _Shut up Sasuke_!"

_Neji's____disclaimer:____Shut up Sasuke, may or may not be a real band name._

Sasuke stood up and frantically pulled Naruto off the couch with him. This caused Kisame to hurriedly leap off the blonde's lap and make his way to the floor.

"Come on Naruto, I don't feel much like helping out jerks anymore!" Sasuke said.

"Aww, but I wanted to hear the new bands. Believe it!" Naruto whined.

"I said come on!"

"So who are we going to try to help now?" Sasuke asked as he and Naruto made their way down a busy street in Konoha.

"It's Orochimaru; you have to apologize for trying to kill him. Believe it!" Naruto explained.

Sasuke sighed. "Do I have to? Every time I talk to him he acts like we're best friends and tries to get Kabuto to give me a full body inspection."

"You have to go. Believe it!" Naruto replied.

When the two got to Orochimaru's hideout, (Which wasn't that far seeing as Orochimaru tends to set up base close to Sasuke.) Sasuke knocked on the door and Naruto, who stood by Sasuke up until the last second, quickly tried to run off before Orochimaru could catch him.

"Come back!" Sasuke yelled, but he was too late, Naruto had already used a substitution jutsu to switch himself for a nearby Tenten.

_Neji disclaimer: Tenten isn't important enough to the Naruto series to go off and meet Orochimaru, so Naruto's Tenten substitute was super-effective._

When Orochimaru saw his favorite Sasuke Uchiha on his doorstep, he was so happy and surprised that he couldn't speak. He spent a long moment staring at Sasuke as if the boy were some sort of Fairy Tale creature. He slowly reached out his hand and touched Sasuke's face as if to convince his mind that his eyes weren't playing tricks.

"Y-you're real." The snake man finally said.

"Of course I am!" Sasuke snapped as he pried Orochimaru's hand away, but Orochimaru ignored the boy's comment. He tearfully turned to the door and yelled.

"Kabuto, Kabuto, come quick! Our little boy has come home!"

Kabuto stepped out in a black maid's dress, "Sasuke? I can't believe it's really you. It has been so long since you last tried to seek us out that I thought you forgot."

Sasuke sighed, "Yeah, yeah, I've got to try to do good things for people in order to change my karma … so what do you want me to do?"

"Oh! Oh! I know!" Orochimaru cheered as he bounced excitedly with his hand in the air.

"If you're going to say become your next vessel, then no." Sasuke explained and Orochimaru's expression fell.

"I suppose there is still one more task." Kabuto said. He turned to Orochimaru, "You remember the really difficult one?"

Orochimaru's eyes widened, "But he's only a Genin. Won't this be too much?"

"What is it?" Sasuke asked, his interest peaking slightly.

"Well you know as well as I do that Orochimaru is a great ninja…" Kabuto started. He hesitated and tried to pick his next words carefully, "But sometimes even the best of us have weaknesses…"

"And what's his?" Sasuke inquired. Orochimaru answered this time.

"Have you ever played the _Fruit Ninja_? Some guy with a sword cuts fruit apart while avoiding bombs."

"Orochimaru has been trying to get the high score in that game for months straight…" Kabuto added.

"I want to be the Fruit Ninja, but my high score is ten points…" Said Orochimaru with a sigh.

"Can you beat _Fruit Ninja _for us and make it look like Lord Orochimaru did it all by himself?"

The rest of Sasuke's day passed sort of like this. Whenever Sasuke would complete a task, Orochimaru would think of another. Naruto and his toad Jiraiya waited outside of Orochimaru's hideout for Sasuke to return, but when midnight rolled around and the Uchiha was nowhere in sight, Naruto began to worry.

"You think he's alright? Believe it!" Naruto asked. Jiraiya responded with a hop and Naruto's jaw dropped, "You're right, Orochimaru is hopping mad! But what should we do?"

_Neji dis- … "You serious? Do we really need a disclaimer for this? *sigh* Naruto can't really speak froggy speak. Frogs are animals and are therefore not capable of human speech. For all we know Jiraiya could just be hopping for the fun of it or he could be saying something unrelated like 'I have to go to the bathroom' or 'why does the blonde say believe it so much?' Seriously Naruto, why do you say believe it so much?"_

It took Naruto a moment, but he soon figured out where the Jiraiya toad was looking. Itachi's house was across the street and right in Jiraiya's line of vision.

"You think I should try him? Believe it!" Naruto asked and the toad hopped in response.

Naruto stood up. He went to Itachi's door and rang the doorbell. When the elder Uchiha brother opened the door, Kisame jumped onto Naruto and tried to lick the blonde's face, however the face licking didn't work out because of Kisame's fish-bowl helmet. He just ended up rubbing the glass bowl on Naruto's face instead.

"What do you want?" Itachi asked coldly when he saw Naruto.

"Sasuke's with Orochimaru and I'm worried because he has been gone for a really long time! Believe it!"

"Not my problem."

Naruto's jaw dropped. He had to find a way to save Sasuke, but how? How? He had to think of something fast, but what? What could he say that would make Itachi run to Sasuke's rescue and beat Orochimaru Up?

"Orochimaru insulted your long black hair! Believe it!"

Itachi's fists clenched, "That black haired hypocrite! He can kidnap and murder my brother, but to insult my hair … he has gone too far!"

Itachi knocked on Orochimaru's door, "Evil snake, evil snake, let me in or I'll burn your house down!" Itachi said while pounding on the door.

Orochimaru hesitantly opened the door. His face lit up when he saw Itachi on the other end.

"Kabuto, I think I'm popular today!" He cheered. Itachi reached out and tugged on Orochimaru's hair.

"Owch! Itachi, stop that!" Orochimaru cried.

"Don't you dare insult my hair!"

"… Okay …" Orochimaru said, half in tears as he was thrown toward the ground.

Sasuke came out of the kitchen with a kiss the cook apron and chef's hat.

"What's going … Itachi…" Sasuke muttered coldly.

"Sasuke…" Itachi repeated just as cold as he moved in closer to greet his brother.

"Muffins!" Kabuto cheered carrying out a plate of them, however, he quickly ran back into the kitchen.

"Everything I've ever done was for you." Itachi said.

"Same," Replied Sasuke.

"Your life goal is to kill me."

"Well, you and the rest of the clan tried to avoid me!"

"Jerry, Jerry, Jerry!" Orochimaru chanted from the ground, but Itachi shut him up by stomping his foot onto him.

"So what, are you going to kill me now?" Sasuke asked coldly, "You've already taken away everything else I care about."

Itachi sighed, "Oh foolish brother, you know I could never do that. Sasuke, despite everything that has happened between us, I love you."

_Neji: "He means brotherly love, not the creepy FanFiction shipping kind."_

Sasuke whipped a tear away from his face, "I – I love you too big brother… But sometimes you're just so mean."

"I know… I'm sorry…"

And in that instant Sasuke and Itachi actually _hugged _each other. It was an event so shocking that it caused space and time to warp and the Naruto universe was reverted back to before this chapter began. So much for changing your karma Sasuke; better luck next time.

**~ phantom130 5 (June 2013)**


	20. Jiraiya's Return

**Chapter 20: Jiraiya's Return**

"Ah, home sweet home!" A middle aged man with long, spiky gray hair wearing a breast cancer awareness t-shirt, stretched out his arms as he made his way toward the small ninja village known to most as the Leaf.

As he walked he made note of some of the people he saw. There was a boy with black hair lying dead on the ground while a man with long black hair and his glasses wearing assistant debated on whether or not to make the boy into a rug skin.

There was a man with sunglasses and a coat chasing a boy dressed in green, and there was a blonde haired boy talking to a toad and calling him pervy sage. It felt good to see that nothing had changed.

The man felt so happy he decided he might even stop and keep the blonde company. He made his way over and kneeled in the grass beside him.

"Yo boy, what are you doing?" The man asked causing the boy to jump up in surprise. He had been so focused on the toad that he didn't even notice the man sneak up behind him.

When the boy regained his composure, he sat up tall and proudly proclaimed, "I'm training with pervy sage! Believe it!"

This caused the man to laugh, "So you named your toad pervy sage? How can a little toad be perverted and wise?"

"No, don't you see? Look closer. Believe it!" The boy pointed out and the man obeyed by leaning in closer and strained his eyes.

"... I still don't see anything... He looks like a normal toad to me."

"No," The boy argued. He seemed offended, "Can't you see, this toad is the legendary Sanin Jiraiya and I'm his student Naruto Uzumaki! Believe it!"

"What; No, I'm Jiraiya!" The man now known as Jiraiya said, "This toad is an imposter!"

At this Naruto seemed mythed. He scratched his head in confusion, "I don't know... How can we be sure? What do you think pervy sage? Believe it!" Naruto turned his head back to the toad, but it had already hopped away.

"Come on Nareutwo! I'll train you and I'll prove that I can do a better job at teaching than that toad!" Jiraiya declared confidently, accidently mispronouncing Naruto's name, because for some reason no one over the age of forty ever seems to say it right.

Naruto and Jiraiya sat together in the old bathhouse. The hot water felt nice on Naruto's skin, but how was this training? Sure Naruto's skin was starting to get as red as a lobster from sitting in it so long, but how would this help dear Naruto develop wicked cool ninja skills? The simple answer (At least how Naruto saw it) is it won't. Old people just love bathhouses. Naruto stood up and started to get out of the water when Jiraiya called back at him.

"What are you doing boy? Don't you like the hot water?" Jiraiya asked.

"It's uh... not entirely that." Naruto said. "It's just, when am I going to start doing ninja stuff? The Hokage title isn't going to wait for me forever. If I don't hurry, even Tenten may become Hokage before me. Believe it!"

Jiraiya laughed. "Clearly you don't appreciate the beauty of bathhouses."

"What do you mean? Believe it!"

"The girl's bathhouse is just beyond this point. You know what that means right?"

"Girls bath too? Believe it!"

"No, think about it. They don't call me Pervy Sage for nothing. We should use our amazing ninja skills to spy on the naked women."

"But Pervy Sage, the sign on the wall clearly says no peeping. Believe it!

"We're ninja. Do you really want a sign telling you what to do? If a sign told phantom130 5 not to kill Sasuke, he'd still do it, and then bring Sasuke back to life to kill him again for making the sign."

"I'm pretty sure phantom130 5 isn't a ninja, but I get your point. Believe it!"

"Good boy." Jiraiya stood up and put his hand on his back. "Owch, Naruto, they never show it in anime, but growing old hurts, especially when you kill people for a living."

"Don't worry Jiraiya; I'm going to live a long healthy life. I always make sure to get my vegetables and eat right. Believe it!"

"...Technically eating three square meals of ramen doesn't count as eating right. Good try, but you'll be just like me someday." Jiraiya teased.

Naruto's eyes shot up in horror. His greatest fear had been confirmed. Who would have guessed that ramen makes you fat?

"Now come on, let's peep! Hehehe." Jiraiya said as he and Naruto ran into the girl's bathhouse.

_Neji disclaimer: The next scene is too graphic to be described in this K plus novel. In short let me just say that despite Jiraiya's earlier complaints about his back he can sure run when many angry girls are trying to kill him._

**~ phantom130 5 (July 2013)**


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